Here's a new review.
I wrote it just for you.
I know it's late,
And out of date,
But it'll have to do.

(Actually, the whole thing turned more like an opinion column than anything else, but WHATEVER. I put it in the reviews section because I JUST DON'T GIVE A SHIT, MAN.)

Here's the update! I apologise for being so late with it, but my internet connection up and died on me last night, and only just now decided to resurrect itself. I don't know why it died, exactly - it just does that sometimes. I think there might be something wrong with my modem. Anyway! Update's done now, and a new one will be up later today, so please - stop panicking. Go back to your normal routines.

Everything's okay.

Second update of the year and I'm already late. It's not my fault! There were monsters.

This is a long, long review of Archime-DS, the latest game from Kenichi Nishi, the creator of Chibi-Robo, Giftpia, and other, similarly unique and neato games. This review is so long that most of it isn't even a review. What is it, instead? Who knows. Not me! I already forgot! It is so amazing and cool and good that my brain just couldn't hold on to it.

I need a cup of tea.

In what's quickly becoming a habit of mine, I've gone and turned what was supposed to be a concise summary of the new Wizball remake into a lengthy screed filled with profanity and Cockney slang. I don't know why I keeping doing this. I guess I just love you guys TOO DAMN MUCH.

Jeff Gerstmann: honest game critic screwed by a corrupt system OR child-killing psychopath fit only for a slow and excruciating death?

The answer lies beyond the link.

This is my review of Mass Effect. I don't talk about the game much, but I do talk about jamming things into my rectum - a theme you'll soon discover is common to my work. Also, I don't mention that damn alien sex-scene. Not once. (Except in the captions, where it's mentioned several times.)

Here is our EXCLUSIVE review of Super Mario Galaxy. You will not find this review on any other website! Read it now before your head just freakin' explodes!

OH MY GOD HURRY!!

Here's a review of Plasma Warrior -- a snack-sized freeware game where you jump up and down and shoot things. What did I think of it? HIT THE JUMP TO FIND OUT!!

Ah, just kidding -- I thought it was great. But go ahead and read the review anyway, because I'm a good writer and you will enjoy it.