If you live in Australia and are interested in seeing me and some othercoolpeople discuss the exciting world of videogame blogs, then make sure to tune into Good Game on ABC2 at 8:30 tonight. I don't know exactly which parts of mine made it into the segment, but I'm pretty sure there's going to be at least one shot of me typing obscene nonsense on my laptop, so that's something to look forward to. Also: I managed to get through the whole interview without once bad-mouthing Kotaku. Quite an achievement, I think!
(Note: the show will also be available via the Good Game website, so you can still watch even if you don't live in Australia or don't have access to a TV.)
By the way, I'd like to thank everyone who responded to the "call-to-arms" we posted last Friday. I haven't had time to read all the emails etc. we've received, but based on the ones I've seen so far, it seems most of you are interested in buying t-shirts with funny pictures on. That's cool – we can do that. I can't say when exactly, but hopefully we'll have some designs for you to look at in the next fortnight or so. In the meantime, I'll get a PayPal donation button up on the sidebar over there. Feel free to use it whenever the mood strikes you.
Did you hear? Miyamoto said the new Zelda game is going to be much the same as all the other Zelda games Nintendo has made! Isn't that shocking? I know I'm shocked! skolskopskkpokfdjhofdajpdl[ei – you know what that is? That's me fainting on my keyboard. From shock.
Uh-oh! Look out – here comes another headline:
NEW iD SOFTWARE GAME TO FEATURE "MEN WITH GUNS"
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(On a more serious note: big site-status update coming in just a bit. Stay tuned!)
Kevin VanOrd is an editor at Gamespot and syndicated videogame journalist, but he’s also a pretty hungry guy. That’s got to be the case, right? Because I can’t think of any other reason why someone would describe a game as "chewy." And yet he chews through three different games, telling readers about Opoona (a tale that "is a sweet, chewy morsel"), Eternal Sonata (describing the "soft, chewy center of the story"), and NiGHTS: Journey of Dreams(lauding the game's "warm, chewy center that's tough to resist").
VanOrd has been writing game reviews for several years now, and even Noah Webster is allowed a little repetition from time to time. As a journalist, VanOrd should also be given some artistic license to work a few metaphors into his columns when developing an overarching theme. That’s why he should be commended in his ability to turn a phrase and a stomach with this opening paragraph for his review of The Sims Carnival: SnapCity:
Sometimes, two unique flavors belong together, like peanut butter and bananas, or bacon and anything. Other flavors, like pickles and chocolate, are best left separated. And so we have The Sims Carnival: SnapCity, a little title that combines Tetris and SimCity into a weird casserole of boring, half-baked gameplay mechanics that will disappoint fans of either of those classics. Like a horseradish milkshake or herring cream pie, it's a curiosity you should leave others to experience.
What’s unique is the way that he can work food into even the most inedible concepts, like his discussion of Too Human, a cybernetic re-imagining of Norse myths. "The game does offer a few meaty moments," although it "drops a juicy plot development at the most inopportune time." It’s a shame that the designers didn’t realize that "a good narrative doesn't need to spoon-feed plot points to you," but fortunately "you'll still sometimes find morsels of that smooth groove so important to action RPGs."
He also finds NiGHTS: Journey of Dreams to be "deliciously vibrant" even if "some of the dialogue is simply cheesy." While he enjoys the game’s previously mentioned warm, chewy center, it appears to have been a little draining. All that chewing left him little energy to cope with some particularly bothersome level mechanics, although if they "were the exception rather than the rule, they would be easier to swallow."
VanOrd is no glutton. When it comes to Opoona, his appetite is quite limited. "The candy coating goes only so far, and tedious side missions and other frustrating elements sprinkle too much salt onto the sweetness. The first few bites of Opoona are scrumptious, but you'll be full in no time." And it’s snackably awful that "the in-game map (called a GPS here, which is as accurate as calling a fast-food burger patty a filet mignon) is no help at all." Fortunately for anyone interested in playing Opoona, "like that spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down, the game's adorable presentation makes it easier to stomach the bitter shortcomings."
His skill at merging the electronic and the edible may be most visible in his discussion of Eternal Sonata, where he discusses the "French Impressionist color palate and gorgeous lighting." His intentional misspelling of palette reminds us that the French are noted for both their painting and their cuisine, showing that Eternal Sonata is a feast for the eyes, even if the color saturation is "sometimes a little too Candy Land for its own good" and some of the voice actors "get too syrupy after a while."
VanOrd’s willful "palate swap" also occurs in his review of The Maw, where he notes that "like most sweet morsels, the pleasant feeling dissipates when the sugar leaves your system, and you’ll find your palette struggling to remembering [sic] the taste." Here we are taken in the other direction to see how a game that does not seize our imagination with arresting visuals can be as bland and flavorless as gum that has been chewed for a little too long. And with a game like The Maw, about a giant alien mouth with a voracious appetite, who could resist noting that "the gameplay doesn't have much bite"?
Unfortunately, I sometimes feel like VanOrd's writing is just a little too sophisticated for me, and his jokes go over my head. For example, when he discusses the function of a bon-bon in Opoona, he notes that "it's a floating ball that each sibling possesses (though in an ironic twist, sister Poleena has two of them)." Is the irony to be found in the stererotypical image of a fat housewife sitting on the couch eating bon-bons, suggesting that this game both employs and subverts that stereotype by showing a strong, confident woman using her bon-bons as tools of empowerment? Or is he talking about breasts?
Wait, I get it! It's a dick joke! The girl is the only character in the game with two balls! Well played, Mr. VanOrd, well played.
And with all this discussion of the many mouth-watering images that VanOrd brings to bear, I haven’t even touched on his repeated use of the phrase “half-baked,” a term that is practically industry shorthand. Which brings us back to chewy. VanOrd’s repeated use of the term from September 2007 to April 2008 suggests that it was part of a personal crusade to make it a new journalistic standard, but it never seemed to catch on. Perhaps describing games as chewy was kind of like The Sims Carnival: SnapCity. In VanOrd’s own words, "like an anchovy enchilada, it's an interesting idea that just didn't work out."
Luckily, VanOrd appears to be far from running out of other food-based metaphors to draw on. If they want this quality of work to continue into the foreseeable future, all Gamespot management needs to do is to keep him hungry.
Bitterly Indifferent writes for Bitterly Books. If you find yourself addicted to video games, he'd be happy to tell you about a book that can help.
By: One of my favourite industry bloggers, Matthew Wasteland. Posted On:Magical Wasteland, February 10, 2009
What is in this article: Concise condemnation of the game industry's embarrassing preoccupation with obtaining cultural legitimacy. Incensed by a "facile"Gamasutra article on the issue, Wasteland argues (correctly) that "consternation of the why-don't-they-respect-us variety" is a product of the industry's own insecurities rather than any actual disdain on the part of society. Legitimacy, he says, is not earned by grovelling at the feet of a perceived cultural elite. After all,
Nobody convened a symposium or wrote an article for an industry trade magazine about how to get rock and roll accepted as a legitimate form of artistic expression; a rock star becomes one partially because he doesn't explicitly seek the approval of the wider mass of culture about him. And now here we are, sitting on a new medium often portrayed as dangerous and subversive, and we're wondering how we can get away from that, like we're afraid of the barely perceptible frown on our dentist neighbor’s face when we tell him what we do for a living.
Regular OctoPodcast listeners might recall that Patrick and I said much the same thing while discussing MTV Multiplayer's 'coverage' of the Obama inauguration. Not to sound smug, but it's gratifying to know that someone whose work I respect agrees with us on this. We're not alone!
What is not in this article: Good will. Matthew Wasteland is often a very snarky man, and in this instance, his snark borders on outright nastiness. This is not a complaint. As you can probably guess, I'm a big fan of caustic commentary, especially when it's as clever as this:
[The author] blithely instructs developers to “take your games seriously,” as if nobody does! I'm tempted to suggest in turn that if one writes for a publication, even one as small as Gamasutra, one ought to take that seriously, too.
Goddamn. That is some serious SNAP right there. Almost makes you feel sorry for the schlub on the receiving end.
Other notable articles by the same author: Pretty much everything on Magical Wasteland is worth a read. Personal favourites include this analysis of Final Fantasy Tactics, this bit on technical writing in games journalism, and this biting deconstruction of Cliffy B's profile piece in The New Yorker. But again, it's all good, and you'd do well to read it all if you haven't already.
Come back next week for another Good Bit of games writing. And in the meantime, if you have any Good Bits of your own that you think warrant our attention, go ahead and link us up. Doesn't matter if you're the author or not – just so long as it's good.
Thanks to Bitterly Books for providing me with the format I needed to make this column a regular thing. Also, thanks again to Bitterly Books for being an informative and hilarious blog about books. And finally, thanks to you for clicking on one of those links. Your support of awesome book blogs is much appreciated!
We're very critical of bad games writing around here. You might say it's a thing that we do. Not for any noble purpose, mind you. We're not trying to save games journalism from itself or anything like that. We do it because we enjoy it. We're just a pair of snotty, obnoxious pricks, more or less.
Still, snotty and obnoxious as we are, we recognise that there's a small-but-growing corpus of genuinely great games writing out there, on that vast and wonderful interwebs. So, we figure, let's talk about some of that for a change. Let's spread the good word. Let's give some props and kudos and great big floppy dongs to the talented writers who're doing their best to make games criticism something more than a source of jokes for jerks like us.
Hence The Good Bits: a weekly feature thingy where we highlight a piece of games writing (old or new) that we like enough to share with you, our beloved readers.
For our debut entry, I've selected a review of the new Destroy All Humans game by one of the best writers working in the industry today – Ellie Gibson. This review, like a lot of Ellie's work on Eurogamer, is reminiscent of the "Golden Age" of British games journalism, in which classic mags like Mean Machines, Super Play, and CVG were at the top of their game. For those of you for whom that means nothing (which I assume is most of you), what that implies is that it's a tightly structured, highly informative, and effortlessly witty piece of work.
Perhaps the best thing about it is that, although justifiably sardonic in places, it never veers into outright nastiness, thus striking an admirable balance between personality and professionalism. Take the introduction, for example:
It's always best to approach the game you're reviewing without prejudice, but it's not always easy. Sometimes alarm bells start to ring. Like when the game is the latest instalment in a mediocre franchise that's nearly four years old. DING. Or when the original developer abandoned the series and has had nothing to do with this instalment. DING DING.
Or when the studio which took on development duties was shut down a month before the game's launch. DING DING DING. Or when the publisher informs you that due to a mysterious set of circumstances, review copies will only be available from the day of release. DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING.
But even if all of the above apply, as in the case of Destroy All Humans! Path of the Furon, it's important to keep an open mind. Better to conduct a thorough playtest and judge game on its own merits. Who knows, perhaps it will confound your preconceived notions and turn out to be an unexpected delight?
Or perhaps it will turn out to be a rotten, shuddering, shambolic fiasco of a game with less to recommend it than a weekend spent watching the Ocean Finance channel (Sky 888) while eating glue. Can you guess which category Path of the Furon fits into, readers?
See? Snarky, but still professional. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that's a difficult mix to maintain, but Ellie makes it look easy, and does it all the goddamn time. If I didn't find her work so enjoyable, I'd be jealous.
Come back next week for another Good Bit of games writing. And in the meantime, if you have any Good Bits of your own that you think warrant our attention, go ahead and link us up. Doesn't matter if you're the author or not – just so long as it's good.
Now go on and read the rest of that review already.
(The following is a rewrite of an article originally posted by raezr in the forums. If you want to read the original version, or thank raezr for his excellent work, click here.)
GameDaily is one of those dime-a-dozen gaming sites that I've always just ignored. But for whatever reason – boredom, masochism – I was browsing it today and discovered (much to my surprise) that senior editor Chris Buffa is actually the world’s foremost critic of sloppy games journalism. For almost three years, Chris has been busily penning scathing editorials such as:
Clearly, this is a man on a mission. While other games journalists have been wanking themselves silly over the latest Halo game or whatever, Chris has been in the trenches, producing the very articles that will one day restore integrity and honour to the games press. Let’s take a look at some now.
The first one to really catch my eye is about CGI elf girls. You see, unlike the snivelling toadies at Gamespot or IGN, Chris Buffa isn’t about to let the man stop him from telling us the facts, especially when the facts are about hot elven bitches. I don’t know about you, but until I read Chris’ feature, I had no idea that the protagonist from Kameo was so totally bangable. Those other game journalists certainly weren’t saying anything about it.
But it isn’t just slutty computer elves that command Chris’ journalistic interest. It turns out he's fond of real girls too. In "Babes Playing Games", our fearless reporter examines a number of videogame ads featuring women, and explains in lurid detail what he finds attractive about each. Does it bother him that most of the women in question aren’t even trying to look sexy? No sir! As a connoisseur of the female form, Chris has no trouble unearthing the buried hotness in each photograph. Indeed, even age is no barrier to his keen sexual senses.
Fortunately, it seems Buffa’s enthusiasm for producing intelligent games journalism has infected the entire GameDaily staff. Here are just a few of our favourite works:
And last but definitely not least, Babes We'll Wait For – another Buffa masterpiece in which he lists his favourite “not-quite-legal cuties in videogames”. Like this one, for example:
Truly, ladies and gentlemen, this is the future of games journalism.
although i honestly didn't think about it much, the use of buzzwords when discussing how nintendo's huge success is attributable to hyped-up today show watchers who hop on the hip wii bandwagon was intentional irony.
we games journalists keep from descending into the slippery slope of frothing and babbling or whatever you said about kiddie pools of shit (and for my part, i dislike easy vulgarity as shortcut to humor, but let's agree to differ in taste) by having fun with words, even when others aren't necessarily in on the joke. and i don't feel particularly soulless or eaten away at just yet!
Now, if that's the case, and Leigh was taking the piss, then okay – mea culpa. Personally, I didn't get an especially ironic vibe from the piece in question, but then it's not like I've never made an obtuse in-joke, so I guess I ought to take her at her word. So, yes, I was wrong and I apologise.
Oh, but Leigh? The highbrow vulgarity we do here at Eegra is certainly not easy. Not by a motherfucking longshot.
Because I would love to punch this one by Gamasutra's Leigh Alexander:
Nintendo can easily keep in riches through the whims of the faddish mainstream trendline -- and that's only sensible, the well-earned fruits of brilliant business savvy and an admirable marketing campaign.
The whims of the faddish mainstream trendline. Honestly, what the fuck does that mean? I'll tell you what it means: it means that Leigh thought buzzwords would magically transform an obvious observation into insightful analysis. This is exactly the sort of thing Patrick and I were talking about in the podcast – this ongoing trend in which games journalists employ ridiculous corporate babblespeak to make their work appear authoritative, when it only serves to obscure the information they're trying to communicate.
What's really annoying about this particular example is that Leigh is actually a very good writer, and therefore doesn't need to pad her work with this kind of wankery. But this is what happens when you're a proper games journalist – the profession eats away at you, like a disease, until all you can do is speak in words sponged from press kits and market analyst reports. You think I'm exaggerating, but trust me, I've been there. I know. One day you're writing a detailed Nietzschean critique of Chrono Trigger, the next you're wondering how you'll contain your frothing demand for the nextCall of Duty. It's a slippery slope, and at the bottom is a kiddie pool full of liquid shit.
I sure hope Leigh remembered to bring her bathers.
Thanks to Vinnk of 4CR and Rising Stuff, and Justin Smith of being-friends-with-Patrick. Actually, Justin did most of the camera-holdin' at TGS, so close your eyes really hard like "Nyooooooh!" and send him a mental thumbs-up.
“Let’s kick off our up-to-the-minute coverage of Tokyo Game Show with a look at all the major booths on the show floor. It’s the next best thing to being there!”
That’s the introduction I wrote to this photo feature. So when you click the link, you’re gonna see it again. Fair warning.
Yes! Here is an interview with Dessgeega, the creator of Mighty Jill Off, Calamity Annie, and other excellent things. I can tell you, honestly and enthusiastically, that this is a bloody good interview: long and meaty! She even tells us a little bit about her next game. But more importantly, she tells us about her ideas, her life, and her philosophy of game design. I bet you like a hundred dollars that this interview is way more interesting than the next interview you read with, say, Shigeru Miyamoto.
“What what? More interesting than Shigeru Miyamoto? But he is a very important genius!” True, dearest reader. But consider that the only people who get to interview Shigeru Miyamoto are cock-gobbling suck-ups, who ask stupid questions like, “Will there be another Zelda game? Is Nintendo planning another DS redesign?” Like that shit matters, you idiot! Just wait and find out! You get to interview Shigeru Miyamoto, and that’s what you want to know? Jesus christ, you must be the most boring fucker alive.
This one here, I mean. Not only is the author a funny and insightful writer, he also likes to kicktheshit out of sub-standard games journalism — kindoflikewedo. As far as I'm concerned, that's enough to make us Official Internet Besties, and nothing he can say or do will change my mind.
Not at all, noble emperor! Actually, I linked to a couple of your website’s list articles a while back, because they tend to be among the best examples of the list article done right. I’m not a format snob; in fact I have a growing fondness for the list article: If you have a bunch of thoughts to share, and they’re loosely connected, just list them! Tying those assorted paragraphs together into a ‘flowing’ essay with a single main argument seems forced – almost sort of fake – in comparison, and a needless bother as well. What’s more, list articles are easier to read than essays: Each idea is presented in a small, digestable chunk – perfect for someone else to quote on their blog!
List articles are popular for a reason, and there’s nothing wrong – in fact, there’s everything right – with wanting as many people as possible to read what you’re writing. So list away, John Constantine and pals, and others like you! We ought to do list articles here at Eegra. We probably will, sooner or later.
But of course, most list articles are terrible. Because the form makes writing so easy, and because it’s so adaptable, bad writers – actually, make that delusional non-writers; certainly the majority of videogame articles on the internet are penned by them – use it as a crutch. Got nothing to say? Feeble, flabby brain? Wouldn’t know an original thought if it cut your dick off – with its business card? Games journalist? Not to worry! Think of a topic – let’s say eyeglasses – and make a list: ten videogame characters who wear glasses. The ten best? Ten worst? Ten sexiest? Whatever – the point is that before, you had 2000 words of filler to write; now, you have ten lots of 200, which is easy: just string together phrases you’ve heard elsewhere and you’ll have 200 words before you can think. Instant content!
Good old ‘content’. Not writing, exactly, but definitely words. You needn’t worry; gamers can’t tell the difference.
My point, I guess, is that good writing is good writing and bad writing is bad writing: There are stupid, pointless reviews and essays, and thoughtful, useful blog posts and list articles. And, uh, my other point is that more videogame-related writing should be about something, instead of about anything.
* * *
While I’m doing shout-outs, I’d like to say how pleased I am that Derek Yu over at TIGSource enjoys my Hilarity Comics! Total mutual admiration, Derek! (How sad, though, that a few of your commenters are apparently too clever to laugh at funny things. Truly, theirs is a high and lonely destiny.)
* * *
Oh and HEY WOW, dessgeega – she of Mighty Jill Off – made another game! It’s called Calamity Annie and I haven’t played it yet because I don’t have a mouse handy just now, but why don’t you play it and then tell me how good it is? Good idea!
I believe I have written the ‘Platonic videogame article’; the videogame article in its essential and ultimate form. So-called ‘games journalism’ has now reached its conclusion. You can all pack up and go home.
Please bear with us as, during the next few weeks, we transition from videogame-related content to exciting unicorn fiction for teens and young adults. (We welcome reader submissions.)
One’s appetite is whetted; it is not ‘to wet the appetite’ but ‘to whet the appetite’.
You wait with ‘bated breath’, not ‘baited breath’. Also, to bate is to moderate or restrain, so please think about the meaning of the phrase ‘to wait with bated breath’ before you slap it onto the end of your exclusive preview.
It’s ‘prima donna’, not ‘pre-madonna’. It’s Italian for ‘first lady’. What on earth is a ‘pre-madonna’? And don’t be so judgmental anyway, you fat cretin.
‘Infamous’ does not mean the same thing as ‘famous’. You are not paying your favourite game designer a compliment when you call him infamous. This one should be obvious but god, you people.
If you insist upon using the term, you could at least spell it right: ‘Cel-shading’, not ‘cell-shading’ – as in an animation cel. Oh, you don’t know what that is. But you’re writing about the style of it anyway. Of course.
We say (or we ought to) ‘without further ado’, not ‘without further adieu’. ‘Ado’ means ‘the stuff that is happening’ – so, if your presentation has been delayed by commotion or ceremony, you may begin it by saying, “Without further ado...” ‘Adieu’, as you surely must know, means ‘goodbye’. So what are you thinking when you write ‘without further adieu’? What’s that supposed to mean? You don’t know, do you? Because you don’t think; you DON’T THINK; god, I hate you. I hate you so much.
If you live in Australia and are interested in seeing me and some 
He also finds NiGHTS: Journey of Dreams to be "deliciously vibrant" even if "some of the dialogue is simply cheesy." While he enjoys the game’s previously mentioned warm, chewy center, it appears to have been a little draining. All that chewing left him little energy to cope with some particularly bothersome level mechanics, although if they "were the exception rather than the rule, they would be easier to swallow."
Unfortunately, I sometimes feel like VanOrd's writing is just a little too sophisticated for me, and his jokes go over my head. For example, when he discusses the function of a bon-bon in Opoona, he notes that "it's a floating ball that each sibling possesses (though in an ironic twist, sister Poleena has two of them)." Is the irony to be found in the stererotypical image of a fat housewife sitting on the couch eating bon-bons, suggesting that this game both employs and subverts that stereotype by showing a strong, confident woman using her bon-bons as tools of empowerment? Or is he talking about breasts?
Alternative titles:
We're very critical of bad games writing around here. You might say it's a thing that we do. Not for any noble purpose, mind you. We're not trying to save games journalism from itself or anything like that. We do it because we enjoy it. We're just a pair of snotty, obnoxious pricks, more or less.
The first one to really catch my eye is about 
“Let’s kick off our up-to-the-minute coverage of Tokyo Game Show with a look at all the major booths on the show floor. It’s the next best thing to being there!”
Yes! Here is an interview with 
But of course, most list articles are terrible. Because the form makes writing so easy, and because it’s so adaptable, bad writers – actually, make that delusional non-writers; certainly the majority of videogame articles on the internet are penned by them – use it as a crutch. Got nothing to say? Feeble, flabby brain? Wouldn’t know an original thought if it cut your dick off – with its business card? Games journalist? Not to worry! Think of a topic – let’s say eyeglasses – and make a list: ten videogame characters who wear glasses. The ten best? Ten worst? Ten sexiest? Whatever – the point is that before, you had 2000 words of filler to write; now, you have ten lots of 200, which is easy: just string together phrases you’ve heard elsewhere and you’ll have 200 words before you can think. Instant content!
I believe I have written the ‘Platonic videogame article’; the videogame article in its essential and ultimate form. So-called ‘games journalism’ has now reached its conclusion. You can all pack up and go home.
