Hello. This is Dexter here, from the hit TV show, Dexter. When I’m not meticulously slaughtering serial killers, I like to relax and blow off some steam with a good videogame. I followed this year’s E3 Media and Business Summit quite closely, and have been asked to share my impressions here. So here goes.
MICROSOFT
Final Fantasy XIII is coming to the Xbox 360. That’s pretty big news – a lot of people got excited about that. As for me, I purchased a PS3 under the assumption that FFXIII would be a platform exclusive, and now I realise that I’ve wasted six hundred dollars. You probably think that makes me angry, but anger is an emotion, and I don’t have those. All I feel is empty, like a can of Coke that a fat person has poured into a toilet.
Still – I have been betrayed. I am the victim of an injustice, and it is my duty to punish those responsible. According to my files, the president of Square Enix is a Japanese man named Yoichi Wada. Perhaps I will go to Mr. Wada’s home, sedate him with a needle, and then chop him into pieces with a circular saw. That’d teach him the value of loyalty. That’d teach him that you can’t just lie to people and expect to get away with it.
You might think that's a little bit extreme, and maybe it is. But think about this: if there were more game journalists like me, Peter Molyneux would have been killed immediately after Black & White went on sale. If there were more game journalists like me, Phil Harrison would have been found in a ditch with a DualShock 3 shoved up his ass. And Jack Thompson – do you know what would happen to him if more game journalists were like me?
Two words: Wood. Chipper.
NINTENDO
I like Nintendo. Their colourful and imaginative games remind me of the soul I used to have, before I traded it in for an electric knife and a taste for blood. Sometimes when I play Animal Crossing on my DS, I can almost feel what it must be like to be a normal human being. It never lasts, though. I get bored, and I fantasise. I imagine beating Tom Nook to death with his own overpriced merchandise. I think about the pelican at the post office, and I wonder how hard it would be to cut her beak off with a bone saw. I take the axe out of my inventory, and I resent it because it can only be used on trees.
Eventually, I realise that it’s all a lie – that there’s no place in Animal Crossing for a man like me. So I turn off my DS, and I go back to being what I am: empty, emotionless, separate. A machine in human skin.
Wii Music looks like fun.
SONY
Jack Tretton struts around the stage like a peacock on cocaine, attempting to hide his shame behind false confidence and corporate bravado. He fails, and I think about perforating his colon with a power drill.
The end. | 
Everyone knows that press releases are created by pushing a microphone into a company executive's arsehole and taking dictation. We've gotten used to it and it's no big deal. OR IS IT??