Here I am in Japan again. I spent the whole day on a plane, but somehow I still have something videogamey to blog about. Amazing!

I’ve flown with JAL before, but today was the first time I encountered one of these:

It’s a remote control sort of thing, for choosing and controlling your in-flight entertainment, and also summoning flight attendants. And you’ve noticed, of course, that turned on its side, it also seems to be a videogame controller! Specifically a SNES controller: it has A, B, X and Y buttons, shoulder buttons, and a D-pad. And that’s a proper D-pad – patented by Nintendo! They’d have had to get a licence for that, for money and everything.

So I was a bit excited, examining this nifty object – I thought I might get to play Mario for nine hours. And sure enough, the magazine in the seat pocket promised me, in addition to the usual movies and music, a selection of videogames for my enjoyment!

But the ‘selection of videogames’ was a PLATTER OF DISAPPOINTMENT:

Oh, I love ‘Tetrix’! And Tiles – a classic ohhhhh fuck it I can’t even be bothered being sarcastic.

NOUGHTS AND CROSSES OH CRIMINY JEEPERS!

Anyway the point is, why do we need a fancy SNES controller for this garbage. What’s the story?

DOES ANYONE GNOW???

If you visit a graveyard in Japan (they’re attached to temples), you’ll probably see the Legend of Zelda Triforce symbol on at least a few stones:

It’s just a common family crest (kamon) – belonging, the internet tells me, to the Hōjō clan. Kind of cool, though!

Of more interest to me, however, was this carving I saw on a temple door, somewhere in Shizuoka city:

...No? Bit of a stretch?

The sticker reads, 'Godzilla Egg'.

One day, back when I taught English to children in Japan, one of the mothers brought this abomination to class:

It even has a Super Mario World-style map!

Lan'sakes!

Japan is where videogames come from! Also these ads.

1.

A picture of a woman holding a hamburger ought to be totally innocuous, but this one gets under my skin somehow, like a silent, wriggling parasite. Apart from the fact that she appears to be not an ordinary woman but a woman-mannequin hybrid, and apart from her weird, perfect symmetry, there’s the problem of her smile. Goddamn, she is so happy to be holding that hamburger. And not because she wants to eat it! – but because she wants to hold it. This is the serene yet empty smile of a brainwashed cult member who has achieved what she believes to be her purpose in life.

This image is the exact antithesis of the Mona Lisa.

2.

This, would you believe, is an ad for the inconspicuous piece of furniture you can see in the photograph. But what I see – and I think what anyone would see – is a picture of a man who has just been placed in a jail cell. From his expression, he seems untroubled – almost smug – about his situation, which makes him creepy, in the manner of someone who cuts his victims into small chunks, and keeps those chunks in his collection of expensive china teapots.

3.

This is that sort of pose that is very common in advertising, but you’d never see in real life because it looks as though she is possessed by conflicting personalities, and is about to tear off her dress and rape herself.

What, you don’t see it?

Now that I'm no longer in Japan, it's time to do a feature all about Japan!

Do you know about Engrish, readers and readerettes? If your answer is 'no', you ought to visit Engrish.com and learn all about it. YOU REALLY OUGHT.

Or, you could just read this feature! Actually that sounds like a better idea. Do that.

(It is just pictures, so no need to worry about straining yourself.)

Japanese DS title Game Center CX is, in a way, a collection of eight retro-style games... but in another way, something more and greater than that. Either way, it’s awesome.

There are two reasons you might read this review:

1. You’ve never played Game Center CX and want to know all about it.
2. You have played Game Center CX and are therefore in a position to appreciate the terribly interesting things I have to say about it.

These are both good reasons! So read it I reckon.

Then, go and read every other review on this website, because they are all great.

While I'm cleaning out my old photo drawer, here's a picture I took back in October, of the sign for the Xbox 360 section of the Kanteidan near my apartment:

The Japanese text reads, "Ganbare, Microsoft," meaning, "Do your best, Microsoft," or -- and I think this is closer to the intended feeling -- "Microsoft, don't give up!"

Cute, isn't it?

Here it is. Gracious!

How to describe Christmas in Japan? It's like they ordered Christmas from the West, but we shipped them the wrong item, but they didn't realise. Here, Christmas is kind of like a second Valentine's Day (or third Valentine's Day, if you include White Day in March) -- it's about romance rather than family. Young lovers feed each other 40-dollar strawberry sponge cake (which is what they think Christmas cake is) and have dinner at KFC (which is what they think Christmas dinner is). If you want KFC on Christmas day, you have to book it in advance -- no joke. I know of people who placed their orders in the first week of December.

It's a magical time of year.