Things:

1) This review was originally published in Hyper magazine a month or two ago. I'm republishing it here because a) it's content, and b) most of our audience is American, and therefore wouldn't have seen it before. Big thanks to Hyper, and Daniel Wilks in particular, for letting me do this. If you live in Australia or New Zealand and don't read Hyper, then stop being silly and correct your mistake.

2) Speaking of stuff I've written for places that aren't here, I also reviewed Brütal Legend and Research and Development over at games.on.net. I'll probably be doing a bit of work for these guys over the coming months, so make sure to check back there often. 

3) We are doing comics again! Starting this Thursday, Patrick will be posting new Hilarity Comics every week. Since they're the only reason most of you bother coming here, I can only assume this counts as good news.

4) Yes, we are still doing t-shirts. And yes, they will be available sooner rather than later.

To go along with our exclusively late review of Zeno Clash, here're some cheats to help you play the game:

God Mode: Open the console and input the entirety of Genesis as it appears in the King James Bible.

Devil Mode: Do the same as above, but backwards.

Atheist Mode: When Deadra asks about religion, tell her you don't have one in a way that makes her wish she never asked.

To celebrate Barack Obama's recent victory in the US election, here's a review of a game that's mostly about shooting black people. Enjoy!

It's late and I'm tired, so you'll just have to imagine I wrote a really intriguing bit of teaser text here. But that's okay because using your imagination is a GOOD thing. It builds character. Puts hair on your chest. Perk in your tits. That sort of thing.

Here's a new review.
I wrote it just for you.
I know it's late,
And out of date,
But it'll have to do.

(Actually, the whole thing turned more like an opinion column than anything else, but WHATEVER. I put it in the reviews section because I JUST DON'T GIVE A SHIT, MAN.)

Japanese DS title Game Center CX is, in a way, a collection of eight retro-style games... but in another way, something more and greater than that. Either way, it’s awesome.

There are two reasons you might read this review:

1. You’ve never played Game Center CX and want to know all about it.
2. You have played Game Center CX and are therefore in a position to appreciate the terribly interesting things I have to say about it.

These are both good reasons! So read it I reckon.

Then, go and read every other review on this website, because they are all great.

I had planned to review Patapon today, but I'm still quite sick, so I asked my good friend Mr Blobbypants to fill in for me. He was happy to help, because he comes from Smiley Cloud Land and was raised by sunshine, and is a bit of a pushover, frankly. I hope you enjoy his wondrous thingo!

Here's the update! I apologise for being so late with it, but my internet connection up and died on me last night, and only just now decided to resurrect itself. I don't know why it died, exactly - it just does that sometimes. I think there might be something wrong with my modem. Anyway! Update's done now, and a new one will be up later today, so please - stop panicking. Go back to your normal routines.

Everything's okay.

Second update of the year and I'm already late. It's not my fault! There were monsters.

This is a long, long review of Archime-DS, the latest game from Kenichi Nishi, the creator of Chibi-Robo, Giftpia, and other, similarly unique and neato games. This review is so long that most of it isn't even a review. What is it, instead? Who knows. Not me! I already forgot! It is so amazing and cool and good that my brain just couldn't hold on to it.

I need a cup of tea.

In what's quickly becoming a habit of mine, I've gone and turned what was supposed to be a concise summary of the new Wizball remake into a lengthy screed filled with profanity and Cockney slang. I don't know why I keeping doing this. I guess I just love you guys TOO DAMN MUCH.

Jeff Gerstmann: honest game critic screwed by a corrupt system OR child-killing psychopath fit only for a slow and excruciating death?

The answer lies beyond the link.

This is my review of Mass Effect. I don't talk about the game much, but I do talk about jamming things into my rectum - a theme you'll soon discover is common to my work. Also, I don't mention that damn alien sex-scene. Not once. (Except in the captions, where it's mentioned several times.)

Here is our EXCLUSIVE review of Super Mario Galaxy. You will not find this review on any other website! Read it now before your head just freakin' explodes!

OH MY GOD HURRY!!

Here's a review of Plasma Warrior -- a snack-sized freeware game where you jump up and down and shoot things. What did I think of it? HIT THE JUMP TO FIND OUT!!

Ah, just kidding -- I thought it was great. But go ahead and read the review anyway, because I'm a good writer and you will enjoy it.