"The game is infamous for its large number of dead ends and obtuse puzzles. Late in the game Graham must navigate a frustrating maze where each room is rotated according to the character's perspective rather than being shown with north always at the top of the screen. There are several actions (or in some cases, the lack of an action) the player can take that render the game impossible to finish. These things can make King's Quest V difficult to complete without resorting to hints."

(Thanks, Wikipedia!)

Here's a new review.
I wrote it just for you.
I know it's late,
And out of date,
But it'll have to do.

(Actually, the whole thing turned more like an opinion column than anything else, but WHATEVER. I put it in the reviews section because I JUST DON'T GIVE A SHIT, MAN.)

About a month ago, I received an email from a reader named Alan Peck that went something like this:

Hi Dan! I make t-shirts, and would like to send you one! Is that okay? Hugs and kisses, Alan

 
Not being one to turn down free clothing from mysterious internet strangers, I of course replied:

Dear Alan, Yes, please send me a t-shirt. Also, pants, if you have any. Smooches, Dan

And then, just the other day, I received THIS in the post:

In case you're ignorant of excellent videogames, it's Solid Snake (or Big Boss, if you want to be pedantic about it) from Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops. So that's pretty RAD. Thanks, Alan!

Speaking of RAD t-shirts, we're going to start selling some of our own real soon. Wanna know what they look like? Well, here's a picture:

CHECK IT OUUUTTTT.

If everything goes to plan, you'll be able to buy these from our store tomorrow. They'll be $30 for one and $80 for three. All prices are in Australian funbucks, and include postage.  Alternatively, if you're in Australia and attending Supanova Sydney this month, you can buy them from us direct for a little bit less. (We'll be selling other stuff at Supanova aside from shirts, but we'll talk about that a bit later.)

Anyway, DINNER TIME.

Here's a thing I wrote. It was originally going to be a blog post, but then it got long, so now it's a feature. I am nothing if not flexible.

Figuratively speaking.

It's time for another episode of everyone's favourite fan-fic masterpiece, Rose and Camellia - A Tale of Love, Loss, and Bitch Slapping. You can read the first two instalments here and here. Oh, and as always, if you haven't played the original Rose and Camellia flash game, do so here.

In other news, I've been playing The World Ends With You and I honestly don't get it. Everybody's been raving about this thing, saying it's the best RPG on the DS and rah rah rah, but man, I just find it boring and obnoxious. Can someone explain to me what's going on here? What am I missing?

GTAIV is very, very good and I think everyone should play it.

Everyone, that is, except for kids.

And old people.

And Patrick.

From the intro movie to King's Quest V, this is 50 seconds (or so) of pure adrenaline-pumping awesomeness!

GTA shmeeteeay, this is what videogames are all about!

Hi there! Are you tired of long and tedious think pieces about videogame minutiae? Are you bored of endless Top 10 lists that exist solely to get a rise out of screeching adolescents? You are? Well, boy, do I have a surprise for you.

After much procrastination, we've finally decided it's time to introduce a regular Reader Radness feature, where YOU, our beloved and attractive audience, can submit content for us to publish on the site – for free! At Something Awful, you'd have to pay ten dollars for the privilege of doing our job for us, but here at Eegra, we care enough to profit from your labour without charge. Because we love you.

Anyway, if you'd like to submit something to us – anything at all – then head on over to the forums and post it up. Of course, there's no way in hell that we're going to publish everything that comes our way, but if it's good and interesting, then we'll certainly try.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, this instalment of Reader Radness is a long(ish) review of Mount and Blade by forum regular and all-round swell fellow, Farvana. Thanks, Farvana! If I ever meet you in person (which I never will), I will be sure to shake your hand and perhaps buy you a beverage, such is my appreciation for your contribution to our site.

Following on from yesterday's promotional video, here's our totally exclusive gameguide to the profound and confronting masterpiece that is Hermies the Game.

Although the guide doesn't contain any pornographic imagery, it's still pretty NSFW, so you probably shouldn't read it where anyone else can see. I mean, it would be pretty embarassing if your boss, or your teacher, or one of your parents came around and saw you looking at pictures of two disembodied pelvises trying to sodomise each other.

So here's the promised follow up to the original. I'll do another one soon, then after that - who knows? I might never make a video ever again. You'd like that, wouldn't you? 

WOULDN'T YOU?

Originally, this was going to be a big interview feature, not unlike Patrick's upcoming Kenichi Nishi thingy. Unfortunately, with the whole situation right now - you know, with the stock market and Iraq and everything - it didn't quite turn out that way. So here's a straight-up (and totally exclusive!) Q&A instead. Enjoy.

Inspired by the totally sane and reasonable people over at No Mutants Allowed, I've penned what I feel is a comprehensive and utterly irrefutable deconstruction of Bethesda's upcoming abomination  – Fallout 3.

Nowhere on the internet will you find such a detailed and persuasive attack on what is undoubtedly going to be the worst game released this decade. Nowhere, that is, except RIGHT HERE on Eegra.com!

Here's the update! I apologise for being so late with it, but my internet connection up and died on me last night, and only just now decided to resurrect itself. I don't know why it died, exactly - it just does that sometimes. I think there might be something wrong with my modem. Anyway! Update's done now, and a new one will be up later today, so please - stop panicking. Go back to your normal routines.

Everything's okay.

So here's our EXCLUSIVE preview of Sand Storm Revelations: The Official Mobile Game. And before anyone asks, yes - it is a real game.

No, I'm not going provide a link.

What? I don't know ... Google it or something. Jesus, you guys sure are demanding sometimes.

To some extent, it is possible to change testicular size. Short of direct injury or subjecting them to adverse conditions, e.g., higher temperature than they are normally accustomed to, they can be shrunk by competing against their intrinsic hormonal function through the use of externally administered steroidal hormones. Steroids taken for muscle enhancement often have the undesired side effect of testicular shrinkage. Similarly, stimulation of testicular functions via gonadotropic-like hormones may enlarge their size. Testicles may shrink or atrophy during hormone replacement therapy.

(Thanks, Wikipedia.)

This is the second chapter of my romantic masterpiece, Rose and Camellia - A Tale of Love, Loss, and Bitch Slapping. You can read the first chapter here.

Once again, if you haven't played the Rose and Camellia flash game, then go ahead and do that before reading the story. It's supposed to be fan fiction, you see, so it helps if you're familiar with the source material. Plus, it's a fun game, so you should play it anyway.

(Assuming you like fun, that is. Maybe you don't. You kids these days, I don't know what.)

Whoah! I'm on some kind of REVIEW BINGE. Or SOMETHING. You see, I wrote another REVIEW, this time a SHORT ONE. It's on WARHAWK. You can READ it by CLICKING ON THE LINK below.

I don't know WHY I keep CAPITALISING WORDS like THIS.

In what's quickly becoming a habit of mine, I've gone and turned what was supposed to be a concise summary of the new Wizball remake into a lengthy screed filled with profanity and Cockney slang. I don't know why I keeping doing this. I guess I just love you guys TOO DAMN MUCH.

This was orginally going to be a little blog post on the new Deus Ex 3 trailer, but somehow it turned into a 1,000 word rant on the entire DX franchise, so I figure I might as well post it as a kind of mini-feature instead. This sort of thing tends to happen a lot with me and Deus Ex, which is why I'm not allowed to talk about it with my friends anymore. (My friends are pricks.)

As part of our ongoing plot to turn all the world's children into murderous psychopaths, I've gone and done a big wanky thinkpiece on using games in moral education. Even if you're not interested in ethics, you should still read it anyway, because it's crammed - and I mean crammed - with pornographic imagery.

Think I'm joking? Click the link and find out.

Jeff Gerstmann: honest game critic screwed by a corrupt system OR child-killing psychopath fit only for a slow and excruciating death?

The answer lies beyond the link.

This is my review of Mass Effect. I don't talk about the game much, but I do talk about jamming things into my rectum - a theme you'll soon discover is common to my work. Also, I don't mention that damn alien sex-scene. Not once. (Except in the captions, where it's mentioned several times.)

This is the first chapter of my romantic masterpiece: Rose and Camellia - A Tale of Love, Loss, and Bitch Slapping. 

Now, if you haven't been on the internet in the last year or so, you might not be familiar with the original Rose and Camellia flash game, in which case you should click this link immediately. Trust me, you won't regret it - it's great fun and playing it will make the story more entertaining to read.

What is that ... A THINK TANK?

(These are all from the Hong Kong section of the game. There's a Paris one still to come, and maybe a general one too. Excitement!)

Since this is a short review, here's my short intro: Knytt Stories good. You download.