1) This review was originally published in Hyper magazine a month or two ago. I'm republishing it here because a) it's content, and b) most of our audience is American, and therefore wouldn't have seen it before. Big thanks to Hyper, and Daniel Wilks in particular, for letting me do this. If you live in Australia or New Zealand and don't read Hyper, then stop being silly and correct your mistake.
2) Speaking of stuff I've written for places that aren't here, I also reviewed Brütal Legend and Research and Development over at games.on.net. I'll probably be doing a bit of work for these guys over the coming months, so make sure to check back there often.
3) We are doing comics again! Starting this Thursday, Patrick will be posting new Hilarity Comics every week. Since they're the only reason most of you bother coming here, I can only assume this counts as good news.
4) Yes, we are still doing t-shirts. And yes, they will be available sooner rather than later.
What better way to bring Bison Month to a close than with a video compilation of Bison's best scenes from the still-quite-rad Street Fighter II animated movie?
Apologies if this is the second time you've seen this. It's all bloody YouTube's fault. Speaking of which, does anyone have any recommendations for a reliable embedded video player? One that we could use to stream videos from our own servers? Lemme know.
Inspired by EA's ambitious effort to turn Dante's Inferno into an "epic action game," raezr – the outrageous smartypants responsible for the original version of our love letter to GameDaiy's Chris Buffa – has kickstarted an hilarious forum thread dedicated to remastering classic literature into videogame form. Choice cuts include:
Shakespeare's Hamlet adapted into a survival horror puzzle game. Something is indeed rotten in Denmark, the ghost of Hamlet's father has returned from the afterlife with a terrifying vengeance. Find all the skulls that can finally put the specter to rest forever. This summer will you be, or not be? It's Resident Evil meets House of the Dead, IN DENMARK.
***
Blake's The Tyger adapted into a fighting game. Do you have what it takes to beat the flaming feline in hand to hand combat? Execute combos with poetic accuracy and conquer the forest of the night. It's Street Fighter meets Bloody Roar, IN THE FOREST.
*** Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451 adapted into a first person shooter. Read and play along with the story of Montag as he roots out the evils of literature and unlocks 48 amazing weapons and abilities for setting fire to books and people. Revel in the incredible writing delivered as 10 chapters of embellished text set against the backdrop of a painterly dystopia. But watch out for the twist ending where Montag discovers that it is not books that are evil, but the people who burn them – and you for playing a game about burning books. If only you could go back and warn yourself what you were getting into. It's Bioshock meets Braid, IN A DREAM OF WHAT MIGHT BE IF WE ACHIEVED WHAT WE SHOULD NOT DREAM!
If enough people get involved, I reckon we could eventually turn this thread into a proper feature. So, keeping that in mind, how about you head on over to the thread in question and post something? You're smart, right? You've read books? Well, there you go! Hell, you don't even have to write anything – you just can just draw pictures if you want. Or make a movie! Man, a movie would be so awesome. Someone should make us a movie. Doesn't have to be about videogame versions of classic literature necessarily. I just want to watch a movie.
THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION TO SEND ME PORN.
ON A RELATED NOTE: The press release for Dante's Inferno starts with the famous quote, "Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate" – or, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Sounds about right to me.
Apologies in advance for the audible pops and clicks – apparently my mic is a giant piece of shit. I need to buy a new one, but I have no idea what kind to get. Suggestions, as always, are appreciated.
***
SHOW NOTES
Programme
(Blue text indicates music)
0:00 – Intro and grumbling
1:26 – The Legend of Princess by Konjak 10:36 – Player-generated vs. designed narratives 16:26 – Street Fighter is rad 18:45 – Street Fighter 3: Third Strike – Gill's Stage 22:31 – The insanity of Kaz Hirai 45:11 – Nobody – Live at Magfest 49:28 – Chiptunes and SID music 52:13 – Great inauguration, but where were the videogames? 60:15 – Wrap-up 62:51 – Dan Staines – Titan
(The following is a rewrite of an article originally posted by raezr in the forums. If you want to read the original version, or thank raezr for his excellent work, click here.)
GameDaily is one of those dime-a-dozen gaming sites that I've always just ignored. But for whatever reason – boredom, masochism – I was browsing it today and discovered (much to my surprise) that senior editor Chris Buffa is actually the world’s foremost critic of sloppy games journalism. For almost three years, Chris has been busily penning scathing editorials such as:
Clearly, this is a man on a mission. While other games journalists have been wanking themselves silly over the latest Halo game or whatever, Chris has been in the trenches, producing the very articles that will one day restore integrity and honour to the games press. Let’s take a look at some now.
The first one to really catch my eye is about CGI elf girls. You see, unlike the snivelling toadies at Gamespot or IGN, Chris Buffa isn’t about to let the man stop him from telling us the facts, especially when the facts are about hot elven bitches. I don’t know about you, but until I read Chris’ feature, I had no idea that the protagonist from Kameo was so totally bangable. Those other game journalists certainly weren’t saying anything about it.
But it isn’t just slutty computer elves that command Chris’ journalistic interest. It turns out he's fond of real girls too. In "Babes Playing Games", our fearless reporter examines a number of videogame ads featuring women, and explains in lurid detail what he finds attractive about each. Does it bother him that most of the women in question aren’t even trying to look sexy? No sir! As a connoisseur of the female form, Chris has no trouble unearthing the buried hotness in each photograph. Indeed, even age is no barrier to his keen sexual senses.
Fortunately, it seems Buffa’s enthusiasm for producing intelligent games journalism has infected the entire GameDaily staff. Here are just a few of our favourite works:
And last but definitely not least, Babes We'll Wait For – another Buffa masterpiece in which he lists his favourite “not-quite-legal cuties in videogames”. Like this one, for example:
Truly, ladies and gentlemen, this is the future of games journalism.
Well, here I am again, back on the ol' internet grindstone. Mmmyep: I've had my vacation, so now it's back down to the ol' cyber mines, slavin' away day after day for nothin' more than a bowl-a-beans and a whippin' come sundown.
Sigh.
As you can probably tell, I'm not especially excited to be here, doing this thing. It's not I don't love you, or Eegra for that matter, it's just that I'd rather be out dropping phat beats or breakdancing with my homies and bitches. You know how it is. Gimme a week or two and I'll be back to my usual happy-go-lucky self.
I hope.
Oh, speaking of happy-go-lucky, I've got a new comic for you. It's by forum person Gina, and despite that terrible segue in the previous sentence, is really quite good. It is called:
You guys remember Hue, right? He's the protagonist from Second Best Shindig Game of 2008, Spectrum Spelunker. And just while we're on the topic of SS (now that's a segue), did you know that the developers – Battle Studio – have released a new version that you can download and play RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND? Well, they did. It actually came out, like, a month or two ago, and I just totally forgot to talk about it even though I promised I would. Oh well! Doesn't matter: now you know, so you can just go ahead get it at your convenience. (Here's a list of changes and fixes, if you're interested.)
Incidentally, if you like Gina's artwork and would like to see more of it, here is her deviantART page. That's how it works around here, you see. Tit for tat and all that. So if you have a DA page and would like more people to see it, well ... you know what to do, don't you?
Thanks to Jink from the forums for the name – and to everyone else who made a suggestion. You're all winners as far as I'm concerned. (But only Jink is the actual winner.)
So, yes: new podcast! Here is the streaming version:
And here is the downloadable version. Listen. Enjoy. Love. And when you're done, leave us some feedback.
***
SHOW NOTES
Programme
(Blue text indicates music)
0:00 - 1:39: Introductions 1:39 - 8:04: Christmas in Japan (Also: KFC) 8:04 - 19:21:PlayStation Home and Little Big Planet 19:21 - 38:24: Patrick Goes to the 8-bit Cafe 3rd Birthday Party 38:24 - 40:37: YMCK - Panic Racer 005 (Excite Bicycle Mix - Revolution) 40:37 - 54:15:Animal Crossing City Folk 54:15 - 1:07:08: Is Nintendo Racist? 1:07:08 - 1:18:33: Flowering Hype 1:18:33 - 1:20:17: Mass Effect - Vigil 1:20:17 - 1:39:05: Game Design: Moral Dilemmas 1:39:05 - 1:41:30: Wrap-up and Well-wishes 1:41:30 - 1:44:14: Estradasphere - Super Buck Jazz
Now, as Patrick and I are both new to the casting of pods, we're still trying to figure out what works and what doesn't. So! If you have any suggestions to help us improve the show (and ultimately we would like to make it a show), then by all means, post it in the forums. Or, if the idea of interacting with a group of strangers on the internet terrifies you, you can also email us. Either way is fine.
On a related note, if anyone can think of a good name for our podcast, we'd appreciate it if you could tell us. Whoever comes up with the best name (i.e., the one we end up using) will win a prize of some sort. Not sure what yet. A t-shirt, maybe? A drawing? Who knows! It'll be good, though!
FORGETFUL RETARD EDIT:Here is our special, soon-to-be-iTunes-enabled podcast feed. Naturally, you'll find out when there's a new podcast if you subscribe to our regular feed too, but you know – there it is anyway.
What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs
And over your neighbour's dog?
What's great for a snack
And fits on your back?
It's GOG, GOG, GOG!
It's GOOOGG, GOOOGGG! It's big, it's heavy, it's wood!
It's GOOOGG, GOOOGGG! It's better than bad, it's good!
It's late and I'm tired, so you'll just have to imagine I wrote a really intriguing bit of teaser text here. But that's okay because using your imagination is a GOOD thing. It builds character. Puts hair on your chest. Perk in your tits. That sort of thing.
"[Roberta Williams] is described as hating all humanity, or more accurately creation, opposing God, spreading lies and wreaking havoc on the souls of mankind."
Holy obnoxious-fucking-smiley on a stick – it's a new episode of Rose and Camellia! And not just any episode! It's the goddamn penultimate instalment. That means that after this one, and the next one, and maybe an epilogue, there will be no more!
Type your name and create your own glitter! Go on - DO IT. If you don't, everybody will know, and you'll be shunned and reviled, and when the prom comes, no boys will dance with you, and then some prick will dump pig's blood on your head, and then ALL KINDS OF SHIT will go down. So, for god's sake, just type your name into the goddamn box and save everyone a bunch of trouble, you selfish bitch. Christ.
Done? Okay, good. Now read this review of the new DS music thingy, and then get ready for bed. That's a good girl.
A picture of a woman has appeared on a videogame blog! And — and — she's wearing Nintendo clothes! Naturally, you are required to drop whatever you're doing and rate her appearance on a scale of 1-10, taking special care to note whether or not you would take time out of your busy schedule to have sex with her. Because god knows you guys sure do fuck a lot of bitches. And with all that tank-driving and mountain-climbing you do, you certainly don't have the time to bang 'em all, right?
RIGHT?
Ugh. Anyway, here's something delicious:
They are cupcakes! Specifically, they are EEGRA cupcakes, made and photographed by neato person Tracey. Since that picture's a bit blurry, here's another one:
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.
I could be mistaken, but I think this is our very first fan-food! If that isn't some sort of milestone, then I dunno what is. Thank you, Tracey!
In other news, I've finally got the Downloads section up and going. In addition to the nine Shindig entries, there's also a neat little indie game called FIG there, which you might enjoy. Eventually, we hope to have a whole selection of cool indie games available for download, as well as some other things too, so there you go. Exciting stuff, I guess!
Hello! I have a new bit of Reader Radness for you - specifically, a new column for our long-neglected Trouserful of Melody section by forum celebrity and all-round cool dude, Gatas Brilhantes. Patch and I like this column so much that we've decided to let Mr. Brilhantes update the Trousers whenever he wants, FREE OF CHARGE. So, yes, expect more excellence of this sort in the near future ... if you dare!
"The game is infamous for its large number of dead ends and obtuse puzzles. Late in the game Graham must navigate a frustrating maze where each room is rotated according to the character's perspective rather than being shown with north always at the top of the screen. There are several actions (or in some cases, the lack of an action) the player can take that render the game impossible to finish. These things can make King's Quest V difficult to complete without resorting to hints."
Here's a new review.
I wrote it just for you.
I know it's late,
And out of date,
But it'll have to do.
(Actually, the whole thing turned more like an opinion column than anything else, but WHATEVER. I put it in the reviews section because I JUST DON'T GIVE A SHIT, MAN.)
About a month ago, I received an email from a reader named Alan Peck that went something like this:
Hi Dan! I make t-shirts, and would like to send you one! Is that okay?
Hugs and kisses,
Alan
Not being one to turn down free clothing from mysterious internet strangers, I of course replied:
Dear Alan,
Yes, please send me a t-shirt. Also, pants, if you have any.
Smooches,
Dan
And then, just the other day, I received THIS in the post:
In case you're ignorant of excellent videogames, it's Solid Snake (or Big Boss, if you want to be pedantic about it) from Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops. So that's pretty RAD. Thanks, Alan!
Speaking of RAD t-shirts, we're going to start selling some of our own real soon. Wanna know what they look like? Well, here's a picture:
CHECK IT OUUUTTTT.
If everything goes to plan, you'll be able to buy these from our store tomorrow. They'll be $30 for one and $80 for three. All prices are in Australian funbucks, and include postage. Alternatively, if you're in Australia and attending Supanova Sydney this month, you can buy them from us direct for a little bit less. (We'll be selling other stuff at Supanova aside from shirts, but we'll talk about that a bit later.)
It's time for another episode of everyone's favourite fan-fic masterpiece, Rose and Camellia - A Tale of Love, Loss, and Bitch Slapping. You can read the first two instalments here and here. Oh, and as always, if you haven't played the original Rose and Camellia flash game, do so here.
In other news, I've been playing The World Ends With You and I honestly don't get it. Everybody's been raving about this thing, saying it's the best RPG on the DS and rah rah rah, but man, I just find it boring and obnoxious. Can someone explain to me what's going on here? What am I missing?
Hi there! Are you tired of long and tedious think pieces about videogame minutiae? Are you bored of endless Top 10 lists that exist solely to get a rise out of screeching adolescents? You are? Well, boy, do I have a surprise for you.
After much procrastination, we've finally decided it's time to introduce a regular Reader Radness feature, where YOU, our beloved and attractive audience, can submit content for us to publish on the site – for free! At Something Awful, you'd have to pay ten dollars for the privilege of doing our job for us, but here at Eegra, we care enough to profit from your labour without charge. Because we love you.
Anyway, if you'd like to submit something to us – anything at all – then head on over to the forums and post it up. Of course, there's no way in hell that we're going to publish everything that comes our way, but if it's good and interesting, then we'll certainly try.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, this instalment of Reader Radness is a long(ish) review of Mount and Blade by forum regular and all-round swell fellow, Farvana. Thanks, Farvana! If I ever meet you in person (which I never will), I will be sure to shake your hand and perhaps buy you a beverage, such is my appreciation for your contribution to our site.
Here's a video of me playing Audiosurf. The song is IZ-US by Aphex Twin. The mode is casual mono. I had originally planned to write a full review, but then I realised that writing a review would be pointless and silly. Frankly, If this video doesn't pique your interest in Audiosurf, then you and I have nothing to talk about.
So here's the promised follow up to the original. I'll do another one soon, then after that - who knows? I might never make a video ever again. You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Originally, this was going to be a big interview feature, not unlike Patrick's upcoming Kenichi Nishi thingy. Unfortunately, with the whole situation right now - you know, with the stock market and Iraq and everything - it didn't quite turn out that way. So here's a straight-up (and totallyexclusive!) Q&A instead. Enjoy.
Inspired by the totally sane and reasonable people over at No Mutants Allowed, I've penned what I feel is a comprehensive and utterly irrefutable deconstruction of Bethesda's upcoming abomination – Fallout 3.
Nowhere on the internet will you find such a detailed and persuasive attack on what is undoubtedly going to be the worst game released this decade. Nowhere, that is, except RIGHT HERE on Eegra.com!
Here's the update! I apologise for being so late with it, but my internet connection up and died on me last night, and only just now decided to resurrect itself. I don't know why it died, exactly - it just does that sometimes. I think there might be something wrong with my modem. Anyway! Update's done now, and a new one will be up later today, so please - stop panicking. Go back to your normal routines.
To some extent, it is possible to change testicular size. Short of direct injury or subjecting them to adverse conditions, e.g., higher temperature than they are normally accustomed to, they can be shrunk by competing against their intrinsic hormonal function through the use of externally administered steroidal hormones. Steroids taken for muscle enhancement often have the undesired side effect of testicular shrinkage. Similarly, stimulation of testicular functions via gonadotropic-like hormones may enlarge their size. Testicles may shrink or atrophy during hormone replacement therapy.
This is the second chapter of my romantic masterpiece, Rose and Camellia - A Tale of Love, Loss, and Bitch Slapping. You can read the first chapter here.
Once again, if you haven't played the Rose and Camellia flash game, then go ahead and do that before reading the story. It's supposed to be fan fiction, you see, so it helps if you're familiar with the source material. Plus, it's a fun game, so you should play it anyway.
(Assuming you like fun, that is. Maybe you don't. You kids these days, I don't know what.)
Whoah! I'm on some kind of REVIEW BINGE. Or SOMETHING. You see, I wrote another REVIEW, this time a SHORT ONE. It's on WARHAWK. You can READ it by CLICKING ON THE LINK below.
I don't know WHY I keep CAPITALISING WORDS like THIS.
In what's quickly becoming a habit of mine, I've gone and turned what was supposed to be a concise summary of the new Wizball remake into a lengthy screed filled with profanity and Cockney slang. I don't know why I keeping doing this. I guess I just love you guys TOO DAMN MUCH.
This was orginally going to be a little blog post on the new Deus Ex 3 trailer, but somehow it turned into a 1,000 word rant on the entire DX franchise, so I figure I might as well post it as a kind of mini-feature instead. This sort of thing tends to happen a lot with me and Deus Ex, which is why I'm not allowed to talk about it with my friends anymore. (My friends are pricks.)
As part of our ongoing plot to turn all the world's children into murderous psychopaths, I've gone and done a big wanky thinkpiece on using games in moral education. Even if you're not interested in ethics, you should still read it anyway, because it's crammed - and I mean crammed - with pornographic imagery.
This is my review of Mass Effect. I don't talk about the game much, but I do talk about jamming things into my rectum - a theme you'll soon discover is common to my work. Also, I don't mention that damn alien sex-scene. Not once. (Except in the captions, where it's mentioned several times.)
This is the first chapter of my romantic masterpiece: Rose and Camellia - A Tale of Love, Loss, and Bitch Slapping.
Now, if you haven't been on the internet in the last year or so, you might not be familiar with the original Rose and Camellia flash game, in which case you should click this link immediately. Trust me, you won't regret it - it's great fun and playing it will make the story more entertaining to read.
To go along with our exclusively late review of Zeno Clash, here're some cheats to help you play the game:
This feature bought to you by HYPNO CROTCH – the only hypnotic crotch officially endorsed by Capcom!
The first one to really catch my eye is about 
To celebrate Barack Obama's recent victory in the US election, here's a review of a game that's mostly about shooting black people. Enjoy!
What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs 
It's late and I'm tired, so you'll just have to imagine I wrote a really intriguing bit of teaser text here. But that's okay because using your imagination is a GOOD thing. It builds character. Puts hair on your chest. Perk in your tits. That sort of thing.
"[Roberta Williams] is described as hating all humanity, or more accurately creation, opposing God, spreading lies and wreaking havoc on the souls of mankind."
Holy obnoxious-fucking-smiley on a stick – it's a new episode of 
Type your name and create your own glitter! Go on - DO IT. If you don't, everybody will know, and you'll be shunned and reviled, and when the prom comes, no boys will dance with you, and then some prick will dump pig's blood on your head, and then ALL KINDS OF SHIT will go down. So, for god's sake, just type your name into the goddamn box and save everyone a bunch of trouble, you selfish bitch. Christ.
Hello! I have a new bit of Reader Radness for you - specifically, a new column for our long-neglected 
"The game is infamous for its large number of dead ends and obtuse puzzles. Late in the game Graham must navigate a frustrating maze where each room is rotated according to the character's perspective rather than being shown with north always at the top of the screen. There are several actions (or in some cases, the lack of an action) the player can take that render the game impossible to finish. These things can make King's Quest V difficult to complete without resorting to hints."
Here's a new review.
Here's a thing I wrote. It was originally going to be a blog post, but then it got long, so now it's a feature. I am nothing if not flexible.
It's time for another episode of everyone's favourite fan-fic masterpiece, Rose and Camellia - A Tale of Love, Loss, and Bitch Slapping. You can read the first two instalments 
GTAIV is very, very good and I think everyone should play it.
Hi there! Are you tired of long and tedious think pieces about videogame minutiae? Are you bored of endless Top 10 lists that exist solely to get a rise out of screeching adolescents? You are? Well, boy, 
After much procrastination, we've finally decided it's time to introduce a regular Reader Radness feature, where YOU, our beloved and attractive audience, can submit content for us to publish on the site – for free! At 
Originally, this was going to be a big interview feature, not unlike Patrick's upcoming 
Inspired by the totally sane and reasonable people over at 
Here's the update! I apologise for being so late with it, but my internet connection up and died on me last night, and only just now decided to resurrect itself. I don't know why it died, exactly - it just does that sometimes. I think there might be something wrong with my modem. Anyway! Update's done now, and a new one will be up later today, so please - stop panicking. Go back to your normal routines.
So here's our EXCLUSIVE preview of Sand Storm Revelations: The Official Mobile Game. And before anyone asks, yes - it is a real game.
To some extent, it is possible to change testicular size. Short of direct injury or subjecting them to adverse conditions, e.g., higher temperature than they are normally accustomed to, they can be shrunk by competing against their intrinsic hormonal function through the use of externally administered steroidal hormones. Steroids taken for muscle enhancement often have the undesired side effect of testicular shrinkage. Similarly, stimulation of testicular functions via gonadotropic-like hormones may enlarge their size. Testicles may shrink or atrophy during hormone replacement therapy.
This is the second chapter of my romantic masterpiece, Rose and Camellia - A Tale of Love, Loss, and Bitch Slapping. You can read the first chapter 
Whoah! I'm on some kind of REVIEW BINGE. Or SOMETHING. You see, I wrote another REVIEW, this time a SHORT ONE. It's on WARHAWK. You can READ it by CLICKING ON THE LINK below..jpg "'Allo. I is a cabbage I is.")
In what's quickly becoming a habit of mine, I've gone and turned what was supposed to be a concise summary of the new Wizball remake into a lengthy screed filled with profanity and Cockney slang. I don't know why I keeping doing this. I guess I just love you guys TOO DAMN MUCH.
This was orginally going to be a little blog post on the new Deus Ex 3 trailer, but somehow it turned into a 1,000 word rant on the entire DX franchise, so I figure I might as well post it as a kind of mini-feature instead. This sort of thing tends to happen a lot with me and Deus Ex, which is why I'm not allowed to talk about it with my friends anymore. (My friends are pricks.)
As part of our ongoing plot to turn all the world's children into murderous psychopaths, I've gone and done a big wanky thinkpiece on using games in moral education. Even if you're not interested in ethics, you should still read it anyway, because it's crammed - and I mean crammed - with pornographic imagery.
Jeff Gerstmann: honest game critic screwed by a corrupt system OR child-killing psychopath fit only for a slow and excruciating death?.jpg "ALIUMS.")
This is my review of Mass Effect. I don't talk about the game much, but I do talk about jamming things into my rectum - a theme you'll soon discover is common to my work. Also, I don't mention that damn alien sex-scene. Not once. (Except in the captions, where it's mentioned several times.).jpg "\"It's nothing. I fell down the stairs is all.\"")
This is the first chapter of my romantic masterpiece: Rose and Camellia - A Tale of Love, Loss, and Bitch Slapping. 
Since this is a short review, here's my short intro: Knytt Stories good. You 
