The Desert

With that done, it’s now time for Graham go for a walk in the deadly Desert of Infinite Sands. There’s no reason for him to do that of course, but that’s cool because this is an adventure game, and adventure games don’t have to make sense. Why does Graham go for a stroll in a desert infamous for its deadly scorpions? Because this is Krazy Roberta’s Wacky World of Bullshit and Moon Logic, that’s why. See, "average" people like you and me might think a person needs a reason to risk his life, but that’s because we let good games rot our brains. We just can't appreciate the depths of Williams’ sadistic genius – that's the problem.

So anyway, the desert is this huge patch of yellow shit where there’s like a hundred ways to die and no clues on where to go and what to do. Look at this:

This is what happens when you make a wrong turn – a scorpion comes out of nowhere and kills you instantly with a single sting. You get no indication beforehand if you’re about to walk into a scorpion screen. There are no signs that say “DANGER! PISSED OFF SCORPIONS AHEAD!” And the best thing? Even if you manage to not get murdered, you can still die of thirst by going too long without finding an oasis:

For the whole game up till now, Graham hasn’t needed to eat, drink, sleep, piss, shit, or screw, but get him in the desert and suddenly he wants a glass of water every five goddamn minutes. And if he dies because you couldn’t find him a pool of water in the Desert of Endless Torture, the fucking narrator makes fun of you for it. “Dying for a drink, Graham?” he asks coyly. Fuck you, Narrator Man. Maybe if you gave me some advice instead of just making smug jokes all the time, I would’ve known where to go. Prick.

So anyway, once you’ve downloaded an ASCII map of the desert from GameFaqs, use it to navigate to the Hidden Treasure Palace to the north, making sure to go via an oasis. Walk behind the big rock to the right. KA-LOP KA-LOP KA-LOP! A band of bandits approach on horseback and open a big door with a magic stick. Note that this is the secret side entrance to the Hidden Treasure Palace. Wait for them to finish their business (which I presume had something to do with terrorism), and use the map to follow them back to their camp.

And here it is. As soon as Graham arrives, one of the bandits stumbles out of his tent and vomits loudly before passing out. Graham shakes his head in obvious disgust. “Fucken wogs can’t hold their beer,” he says. While the bandit is still unconscious, enter the tent on the right. Don’t go into the other tent or you’ll get stabbed to death. Once you’re inside, sneak around the sleeping bandit and steal his magic stick. Don’t walk too close to the bed or you’ll get stabbed to death. Stick in hand, exit the camp and head east. (Note: don't spend too long standing in the tent or you’ll get stabbed to death.)

Using the map, make your way to the sun-bleached skeleton. Steal his boot. Don’t ask why – just trust me on this. Graham needs that boot. That boot is Graham’s destiny.

Head back to the Secret Treasure Palace, again making sure to stop at an oasis on the way. Keeping in mind what you saw before, have Graham mimic the bandit leader by banging on the door with the magic stick. Toodley-twinks! The door opens! Quickly head inside and loot – sorry, no: “acquire” – the magic bottle and gold coin. DO NOT RUB THE MAGIC BOTTLE. I know what you’re thinking: you’re thinking there’s a genie in that bottle, and that rubbing it might snag Graham some magic powers or something. Problem is, that’s only half true.

There is indeed a genie in the bottle, but the fucker ain’t giving out no wishes, let me tell you that. Instead, he pops out of the bottle and says, “I’ve been waiting to get out of that bottle for a billion years. Thanks, champ! Now I’ll just trap you inside and be on my way!” And that’s what he does – because that’s just what a despicable, hateful cunt like Roberta Williams would want him to do. Everybody else thinks of genies as benevolent magical beings – mythical manifestations of our happiest fantasies. Roberta Williams sees them as deranged lunatics lying in wait to murder innocents. What do you think that says about her?
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