So Bethesda has revealed that Fallout 3 will have something like two hundred different endings. Well whoopdee-doo. Fallout 2 – which you will recall was released almost a decade ago – has one million endings. No exaggeration: ONE MILLION. I know pea-brained, Halo-playing Neanderthals like you have a hard time with numbers above ten, so let me break it down for you in terms you can understand: if endings were candy, then Fallout 3 would be like a snacksize pack of Mexican Saltidos that has been left in the sun too long and also a dog pissed on it. Fallout 2, on the other hand, would be a jumbo bag of delicious Sour Skittles, and when you open the bag, your favourite television star pops out and gives you a milkshake.

Do you get it yet? Here, I’ll dumb it down ever further for you:

A MILLION IS MORE, AND THEREFORE BETTER, THAN TWO HUNDRED.

Of course, I know that simple, irrefutable logic won’t be enough to persuade you gibbering gibbons that Bethesda’s sole goal in making this game is to ruin the lives of real Fallout fans. Despite what I’ve just said, I know that you’ll still think that two hundred endings is, like, TOTALLY SICK. But consider this: what are these endings that you’re so impressed with actually going to be like? It’s one thing to say a game has two hundred endings, but it’s another thing entirely to say a game has two hundred endings that are worth seeing. Surely even you, in your infinite capacity for idiocy, can see that two hundred shit endings will only make Fallout 3 two hundred times shittier?

But of course you can’t. I might as well be talking to a brick wall with brain damage. Well, fine. If you want to keep believing Bethesda’s outrageous lies, then you go right ahead. See if I give a damn. Just don’t come crying to me when Fallout 3 turns out be so bad that it explodes your television or something.

I tried to warn you.