Who wears short shorts? I wear short shorts. But not right now. Right now I’m wearing my reviewing pants. I bet you didn’t know there were official game reviewer pants, did you? Well, there are. Newspaper journalists get hats with little press cards in them – game critics get a pair of baggy tracksuit pants with the word ‘REVIEWER!’ written on each leg in black pen. There are big pockets specially made for storing Snickers bars.

So anyway, let’s review some things!

God of War: Chains of Olympus (PSP)

This is a God of War game in the same way that The Idiot’s Guide to Homer is a Greek odyssey. It's a summary – a concise synopsis of its predecessors. And like all summaries, it captures the key points, but it doesn’t capture the scope. Compressed into the confines of a handheld, the tiny bellowing Kratos is almost adorable, which kind of messes with the whole ‘epic tragedy’ thing they’ve got going. No one would take Oedipus seriously if he had pinchable cheeks.

Mass Effect: Bring Down the Sky (Xbox 360)

If you own Mass Effect and enjoyed it – which is to say, if you own Mass Effect and are not a joyless shit – then the question is not whether you should buy Bring Down the Sky, but when you should buy it. Personally, I wish I had waited a bit. The thing is that it’s more or less a downloadable side-quest, meaning that it’s only accessible a few hours into the main game. Which would be fine, except Bioware has said that BDS is just the first of several DLC packs, and rather than start a new game (or use an old save) for each one, I think it’s a better idea to wait until they all come out and then start a new game. That way you can just play through them all in one session, and it’ll be like you’ve got a whole new episode of Mass Effect. How convenient!

Also: Jennifer Hale is in it. 10/10.

Starcraft II (PC) 

WORLD EXCLUSIVE REVIEW!

Pretty good. I liked Smash Bros. better, though.