I think the thing I hate most about Fallout 3 is that it exists. I haven’t actually played it – but I’ve read a lot of interviews and watched the teaser video, and from that it’s obvious the whole thing is an abomination worse than the Holocaust. Bethesda want to ruin Fallout. They want to defile it. They want to fuck it to death with a giant metal pole made of melted money. The fact that so many of you simple-minded simians fail to see that is a source of constant astonishment for me. What are you blind as a Christian or something? How can you not recognise a brutal murder when you see one? How can you be such giant RETARDS?

I honestly don’t know. But don’t worry: I’m going to help you. In this article, I’m going to tell you all the things that are wrong with Fallout 3. I’m going to list them clearly and concisely, using small words and pretty pictures so you don’t get confused. I am loath to debase myself before the masses like this, but if this is the sacrifice I have to make to spread the truth, then so be it. Somebody has to do the dirty work around here. Might as well be me.

So here we go: the FIRST thing that sucks about Fallout 3 is that it's not enough like the original Fallout. This is so obvious that I shouldn’t even have to explain it – but I will anyway. The first Fallout (and the only REAL one) is a 2D isometric RPG with a deep combat system, a robust narrative, intelligent dialogue, and innumerable avenues for meaningful player expression. Fallout 3, on the other hand, is a stupid piece of shit made for other stupid pieces of shit. I mean – hello! – can you say “OBLIVION WITH GUNZ”? Because Bethesda sure can. It’s one of their favourite phrases over there, right alongside “there’s a sucker born every minute” and “yay for rape!”

The SECOND thing that sucks about Fallout 3 is that it’s too much like the original Fallout. Just look at the teaser for God’s sake. Music from the 50s? Check! Bombed-out ruins? Check! Heavily-armed dude in bulky power-armour? Check! Vault Boy? Check and mate! Come on, Bethesda: just because you bought the Fallout license, doesn’t mean you have to rip it off so thoroughly. Why can’t you come up with your own setting? Is it because you’re UNTALENTED HACKS whose entire purpose in life is to PISS on my memories? Or are you just lazy and stupid? Oh, wait! I know! It’s BOTH.

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