You will notice that I have purchased wholemeal flour instead of plain flour. This is a token attempt to include an ingredient of some nutritional value. Seeing that it costs 30c more than plain flour, you probably won’t want to buy it. But think of all that extra fibre you’re missing out on!

Step 2. Get your tools ready!

This means making sure everything is clean, folks. Obviously, you don’t need to have the same equipment that I have – feel free to improvise. Use a wine bottle in place of a rolling pin, a tea filter thing in place of a sift, a spork instead of a fork, etc. You will, however, need a toadstool for moral support.

Step 3. Butter up!

Leave your butter outside (not outdoors, just outside on the kitchen top) for about an hour or so before you begin. You need it to be soft enough to mash without straining a muscle in your arm. Once soft, cut it up into little cubes, throw it into the mixing bowl, and mash, mash, mash! While you’re at it, add all the castor sugar plus the vanilla extract and mash some more. Try not to make a mess.

Once your butter looks creamy and whipped like the above picture, you can stop mashing. If it doesn’t look creamy and whipped, you’re not mashing enough.

Step 4. Add flour!

I don’t know how much a tablespoon is. Spoons come in so many different sizes. It really confuses me. I substitute an Asian soupspoon for a tablespoon. It works out well.

Sift all your flours into the mixing bowl and mix, mix, mix! You will need to start using your hands because you want to form a block of dough.

At this point, you’re probably thinking “OMGZ THIS MIXTURE IS TOO DRY I’M GOING TO ADD MORE BUTTERZ!” Woah, slow down, fatty! Persevere with this mixture and really get your hands into it. Try a little bit of kneading. It will pay off. Really!

Step 5. Refrigerate!

See! You made a dough ball! And you didn’t even have to add any more butter! Mind you, the dough will be very, very crumbly and it will be nothing like regular cookie dough. Don’t worry about this – shortbread is different to regular cookie dough. For a start, it will not expand when you bake it, which is rad because it means you can cut out whatever shape you want and trust that it will not distort when in the oven.

When your dough is well mixed, do your best to clump it all together into a ball. Wrap this ball in cling wrap and place it in the fridge for 15 minutes, preferably next to a jar of Jimmy’s Satay Sauce.

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