DONE BY: Incognito

IT'S FOR: PS3

YEAR: 2007

Warhawk is ostensibly a multiplayer war game, but for me it’s more or less a sodomy simulator. By logging onto a server, I am effectively priming myself to be fucked in the arse by sixteen strangers, each of whom derives exquisite pleasure from my humiliation.

Not that I fault them – or the game – for this unpleasant state of affairs. The fact is that I’m just shit. Really shit. And what’s worse is that I don’t think I’ll ever get better. Since there’s no practice mode, no bots, and no tutorials, the only way you can learn to play Warhawk is by jumping onto a server and hoping for the best. But as we’ve already discussed, “the best” that someone like me can hope for is relentless sodomy. I’d like to learn how to drive tanks and fly jets and other fun things, but unfortunately I keep getting fucking exploded.

Imagine if you were learning how to ride a bike, but every time you touched the handle-bars, a sniper shot you in the neck. That’s what Warhawk is like for me. I don’t dislike it per se – I just dislike playing it. Usually the distinction would be meaningless, but in this case, it’s pretty important. Warhawk is clearly a decent game, and for people capable of scaling its brutal learning curve, it seems to be pretty fun. It's not Team Fortress 2 or anything, but it's about as good as multiplayer gaming gets on PS3, especially now that EA has botched The Orange Box port. 

In any case, I paid good money to download Warhawk, so I feel compelled to keep playing for at least another few weeks. If in that time I get good enough to share an opinion that isn’t tainted by my embarrassing incompetence, I’ll post an updated review.

But don’t hold your breath.

FINAL SCORE: Relentless sodomy