You know those reflective suits that volcano researchers wear; you see them on the telly? Well I had to wear one of those today, as I – after completing the necessary rituals and sacrifices – entered the chamber of the All-Seeing Eye. The Eye was burning white-hot today, my friends; boiling like an oily, virgin demon’s nutsack. It had been a month since the Eye last tasted videogame fanart, and I could barely look it in the... I could barely look at it, so furious was its gaze; it was though the murderous screams of a madman had taken physical form. The Eye cannot die, and hunger will not cause it starvation or even weakness – only rage.

In such a state, what better match for the Eye than Q*bert, that weird, proboscis’d, frustrated, foul-mouthed and fire-red little hopping bastard? “No better match,” thought I, and... oh, this is silly; let’s just get on with it.

* * *

Q to the bert by vikung-fu

I have a distaste for 3D, computer generated cartoon art like this, and at first I was going to rip on this piece for being a lifeless, boring turd, with its shiny surfaces and even distribution of unimaginative primary colours. But looking at it again just now, I noticed how excellent and subtle the purple snake’s expression is – and its body language too, which is especially impressive since there’s not much of a body to work with. And somehow that’s redeemed the whole picture. I look at it now and think, “That’s a nice picture.” No better than nice, but still: nice.

* * *

Q-bert by ATLbladerunner

I like the shit out of this one. It must be a challenge to give Q*bert facial expressions when he barely has a face, but his cartoonish anxiety couldn’t be more vivid. I guess the artist has ‘cheated’ by giving him eyebrows, but I think Q*bert’s emotions would be perfectly clear without them: The ring under his eye, the perfect, phallic limpness of his snout, even the particular way he bends his knees, all conspire to reveal his mild apprehension. This is good cartooning.

And, of course, it’s painted well, the colours are lovely, and the background motif is as perfect in its simplicity as it is in its appropriateness. Whoopee!

* * *

Behold the Q_bert by DragonRalith

The artist should turn this into a series. Use the exact same picture each time, and just change the label: “It’s a barbecue!” “It’s Buckingham Palace!” “It’s loneliness!” Who would argue?

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