DONE BY: Natsume

IT’S FOR: Xbox 360 (Arcade)

YEAR: 2008

Omega Five is a good game, but I doubt I’ll bother to play it again. Fifteen years ago, back when my appetite for videogames was voracious and indiscriminate, I might have had the tenacity to keep at it – but now I can’t be fucked. As shameful as it is to say, years of being coddled by checkpoints and quicksaves have atrophied my skills, and now I’m simply not hardcore enough for this game.

I don’t have the BALLS, is what I’m saying. I lack BALLS.

You, on the other hand, might have BALLS up the wazoo. For all I know, you could be so full of BALLS that instead of eyeballs, you have two swollen, veiny testicles. If that’s the case, then you’ll probably enjoy Omega Five quite a bit. Mechanically, it’s very much a conventional side-scrolling shmup: you fly along with your dude or lady, you shoot aliens, you collect power-ups, you fight a boss, and then you go onto the next stage to do it all again. That’s it. There are no interesting twists or innovations. There’s nothing here to make you say “What a cool idea!” a la Ikaruga or TUMIKI Fighters. In a word, Omega Five is solid. It doesn’t take any risks, but neither does it make any mistakes. It justifies its 800 point asking price.

Also, Japan. Omega Five is very Japan. That is to say, Japan in the internet sense of the term: so, you know, all colourful and KER-AZY and shit. There are, like, ROBOT DINOSAURS and NINJAS and one of the characters is some kind of ballerina prostitute or something. Frankly, it all seems a tad disingenuous, almost as if Natsume made it that way because they knew that’s what Western audiences expect of Japanese games. I don’t know. It’s not a big thing, but if you’re sick of the whole WACKY JAPAN thing, then it might irk you a bit.

That could just be me, though.

FINAL SCORE: BALLS