DONE BY: TaleWorlds

IT’S FOR: PC

YEAR: 2008

MAN WHAT WROTE THIS THINGY: Farvana

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This first AND third person Action / RPG is a game about poking medieval types with sharp bits of wood and metal. As to be expected from the name Mount and Blade, occasionally you do it on a horse. THIS IS AMAZINGLY FUN. It also requires a bit of skill, as timing and angles and such come into play. It almost resembles what real sword fighting must have been like, I imagine.

Now, before I continue, I want to point out something: the setting is medieval, NOT FANTASY. If I could make that blink, I would (Thank Christ you can’t – Ed). This is HUGE. You get to shoot people in the face with a plain ol' wood-and-iron arrow without having to worry about getting hit with a magic iceball or some scrote-headed demon coming from foul dimensions to gnaw on your knees and other extended bits. There is not a bearded person in a pointy hat to be found!

Instead, there are MONGOLS, which, at this point, are about 5,004 times more awesome.

Now, this might sound like your standard hack'n'slash piece'o'shite, but it is NOT. Why is it not?

Well, combat is large in scale. No mucking about in tunnels; you're on a few square miles of plains or woodlands or some such, which is often rendered very prettily. Also, 50 people are fighting on a map at one time, and none of them is just a body: they are actively interested in kicking ass while preserving their skin.

There is a touch of the truly epic here. Rushing down a hill in the middle of a 15-man cavalry charge as enemy knights brace to meet you is about the most exhilarating thing I’ve experienced in a game. This is not mere child's play: the battles are not broken in the PC's favour. You are not meant to kill 40 men in a battle while your allies sit back and let you take the spotlight. Your enemy is not fodder or a broken boss character; anyone can deliver the blow that knocks you out. Because of this, war feels like WAR. And because war is hell, you will burn and pillage after slaying the farmers and women who defend their town with rocks and pitchforks.

Mount and Blade is named aptly, because it did not grow out of somebody's idle world-building fancies; it grew out of a few programmers' desire to stab people in the old and good ways. You are out fighting for three reasons: a number representing gold, a number representing fame, and putting your enemies (everyone who is a different colour than you – fuck diversity!) to the sword.

Now, you should know that when you pay for Mount and Blade, you’re paying for a game that’s still in beta. To fund production, developer TaleWorlds has been selling their work as they continue to make it: the later the build, the higher the price, and no matter what build you own, you still get access to the latest version up to final release. Which is not too far away – right now, we're up to version .904.

To conclude, this game is what the Lord of the Rings games should have been. Also, how do history majors write Medieval a dozen times and NOT feel like twats? This is a mystery to me!

ALMOST FINAL SCORE: Medieval!