My friend Rhys and I did a fun thing today: we went to the local hobby shop, bought two strategy card-games, and then played them both. Have you ever tried one of these things? They’re like the perfect solution for people who enjoy games like Magic and UFS, but aren’t stupid enough to spend lots of money on them. You buy your set and that’s it – that’s all you need. No boosters, no trades, no supplemental materials. Just a self-contained box of fun.

Of course, not all strategy card-games are good. In a lot of cases, they're actually really fucking terrible. For example, one of the games we bought today – MURDER CITY (which I’ve caps-locked for fun) – was really, really fucking terrible. It’s just ... God, where to begin with it? The reason we bought it is because it has nice artwork on the box, and also because the writing on the back made it seem exciting. Here’s a picture:

Admittedly, it's pretty generic cyberpunk – but generic cyberpunk is way more exciting than generic fantasy. I know some people really dig elves and dragons and the rest of that garbage, but honestly, I just can't play another game with a fucking dwarf in it. I am sick to death of fucking dwarves.

(Shut up.)

So that's the picture. Now here's what it says on the back:

MURDER CITY is a strategy game for 2 to 5 players. You assume the role of a futuristic investigator, from hard-boiled detective to alien sleuth to company man (!!!). Your goal is to track down killers and prosecute them. The player to survive “the life” best and earn the most credits is the winner, the foremost jovan in the city.

Most of that is lies. Actually, ALL of it is lies. MURDER CITY isn’t a strategy game. There’s no being a detective and hunting down criminals. There’s supposed to be, and whoever designed the game seems to think there is, but there’s not. That whole blurb is just a solid brick of deceit. Even the bit where it’s recommended for 2 to 5 players is a lie – the truth is it shouldn’t be recommended for anyone. If it was at all accurate, the blurb would read like this:

MURDER CITY is a great way to waste $50.

At this point I would like to tell you how the game is played, but unfortunately I don’t know. I knew, for about three seconds this afternoon, but then I immediately forgot when it became apparent that knowing the rules actually made the game less enjoyable. Usually when you play something like this, having that eureka moment where you finally understand how everything works is a joyful experience, but in this case it’s accompanied by a horrid sinking feeling – the kind you get when you realise that you’ve just wasted three hours of your life. “Oh Jesus, is that it? Is that the whole game? God, why did I even bother?”

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