Hello, fans! Fans of MUSIC.

And VIDEOGAMES.

Hello!

Today’s column comes to you from a PC bang in Seoul, like the kind you read about. There really are people playing StarCraft – like right next to me! Makes me feel young. And yes, they really do show StarCraft matches on TV. Everything you’ve heard about Korea is true!

OC REMIX ROUNDUP

I’m gonna review the seven latest tunes to appear at OCR.

STAND BACK YOU GUYS.

Geoffrey Taucer, Ross Kmet – Radical Dreamers – The Star-Sealing Girl

Well, if I heard it playing in the next room, I wouldn’t mutter profanities. You know good bits? As in, “This is kind of shit, but it has some good bits.” Well, ‘The Star-Sealing Girl’ is all good bits. The problem is that these bits have no reason to be together. They’re just standing in a row, shuffling their feet. None of them is especially interesting. So this isn’t a bad tune, it just doesn’t need to exist.

DarkMessenger – Myst – Unraveling the Mystery

Aiyee! It’s... DarkMessenger!

Delivering his messages... at night!

This song is like H P Lovecraft’s really early stuff. Basically DarkMessenger loves, loves the drama, but he doesn’t know how to tell a story, and his idea of a climax is saying “Suddenly!” and then TYPING IN CAPS AND JUST GOING NUTS WITH THE EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!

Scaredsim – Eternal Champions – Immortal Souls

Yes, yes, yes. This is how you do music. Four bars of this bit – that’s enough; next bit! Eight bars for the main bit; now something else! ‘Immortal Souls’ is an upbeat but dramatic slice of rock, with a diverse but complementary selection of sounds and instruments, and it’s tight as hell. It’s so tight that I was not merely disappointed but shocked by the fade-out ending. If these reviews had points, I’d take one off for that, and it would hurt me, because this tune is fantastic.

Another Soundscape – Final Fantasy VII – Too Much Fighting

Oh, a Final Fantasy VII arrangement – thank god! People keep asking for them, and I’m like, “There are none! I’m sorry! There’s nothing I can do!”

Yeah, so, actually, I can’t really make fun of this piece ‘cause it’s pretty good. The first section features a rag-tag gang of synthetic sounds, led by a charismatic and easy-going bass part who gets all the girls. Then things lose their way a bit, and a while later the music fades out. Oh well!

Vampire Hunter Dan – Threads of Fate – Mint ~ The Spirit is Willing

Six-and-a-half minute, go-nowhere orchestral arrangement. The usual shit.

It’s like a high school band playing a ‘Hollywood Medley’.

Trenthian – Wizards & Warriors – Wizards in My Armor (Warrior in My Long-Johns)

Oh, one of these arrangements with lyrics. I should do a special on these one day.

Well, the music’s a bit of a mess, but a fun mess, with some really good bits buried here and there. As for the words... well... at least Trenthian isn’t above using auto-tune when he can’t hit the notes. But I would much prefer to listen to this without the singing. And Trenthian, next time you’re about to record a pop song over six minutes long, check first to see if you’re Freddie Mercury. If you’re not, maybe chop out a few verses, eh?

Idiot.

Beatdrop – Guilty Gear X – Alpha Blade

Well, this is sure as hell some motherfucking dance music!

WHAT?

I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

OH! I SAID, THIS IS CERTAINLY DANCE MUSIC!

DANCE MUSIC!!!

THERE IS A FORUM THREAD NOW

I don’t have anything more for you today, but why not pop your head in at the forums, where forum member Gatas Brilhantes and editor Dan have been enjoying a pleasant back-and-forth, and more or less doing my job for me.

See you next time! If I leave this PC bang soon, I might be just in time to see the sun rise.