Introduction

Your first challenge in King’s Quest V is to endure the interminable opening cut-scene. Subjectively, it goes for three or four hours, and – contrary to the little message you get when you start a new game – contains no useful or interesting information whatsoever. Here is a brief summary of what happens:

This is Castle Daventry, the idyllic abode of King Graham Daventry, the game’s protagonist.

Holy shit! The castle just got disappeared by a wizard!

King Graham arrives on the scene and notices something amiss. “Now where’s me fucken castle got to?” he wonders.

“You castle got ganked, esse!” says a monocle-wearing owl named Cedric. “Check it – that motherfucker Mordack? The black wizard? He show up an make you castle disappear, mang. All up in a puff of smoke – POOF! – like some David Copperfield shit.”

“You gotta be fucken kidden me!” exclaims Graham. “I need that fucken castle – it’s got me telly in it! Where is this cunt Mordack? I’ll kick his fucken head in!”

“Be cool, homes,” coos Cedric soothingly. “I know somebody who maybe help you out. He a real powerful wizard too, but not like that Mordack motherfucker – this guy on the level. Only thing is he all the way over in Serenia...”

“Fucken Serenia!” Graham interrupts. “Jesus bloody Christ, he might as well be on the fucken moon for all the good that does me! How the fuck am I supposed to get to fucken Serenia? Me ute was in me castle!”

Looking pleased with himself, Cedric pulls out a small purple pouch from his waistcoat pocket. “You see this, esse? This here is some top-shelf fairy dust – direct from Harpy Island. I sprinkle you with some of this shit an you can FLY to Serenia, homes. First class all the way.”

So then Cedric sprinkles Graham with some fairy dust and they fly to Serenia together. Since Graham is a person, and not a bird, he kind of sucks at flying, which is why he ends up...

...falling into the creek outside Crispin’s house. Ho ho ho. Roberta Williams surely is the master of comic misadventure.

Anyway, to cut a long-story-that-was-supposed-to-be-a-short-story short, Graham and Cedric go into Crispin’s house and discuss the situation. Upon hearing Graham’s plight, Crispin – who is clearly a man of firm resolve – dashes to his chest of magical goodies and pulls out two items for his troubled guest: a piece of white snake, which he says will give Graham the ability to talk to animals, and a busted up old magic wand that doesn’t even work anymore. Thanking the wizard for his "kindness", Graham takes his leave, and the game begins.

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