Man, Mario Galaxy is great. It’s so colourful and fun – not like Kane & Lynch, which is apparently composed entirely of swear words and dirty concrete. I suppose it’s trying to be gritty, which is not bad in itself, but the thing with grit is that it’s supposed to support narrative, not replace it. If you go to a fancy restaurant and pay a hundred dollars for a meal, you’d expect to get more than a bowl of pepper. Similarly, when I pay a hundred dollars for a videogame (which I thankfully haven’t in this case), I expect to get more than ten hours worth of criminals calling each other motherfuckers. And no, occasionally replacing “motherfucker” with “asshole” doesn’t count.

So even though my experience with Kane & Lynch is limited to the few seconds I spent looking at the display box while waiting in line to buy Mario Galaxy, it’s clear to me that it’s the worst game released this year. I’m not saying it’s so bad that I’d sacrifice my job to stop you from playing it – not all of us can be martyrs like Jiggly – but I would definitely maybe consider giving up some of my sick-leave. Also, buy Mario Galaxy. You already know that from Patrick’s review, but still – just thought I’d remind you is all.

FINAL SCORE: Well, what do you wanna hear, man? Do you wanna hear that sometimes I think about eatin' a bullet? Huh? Well, I do! I even got a special bullet for the occasion with a hollow point, look! Make sure it blows the back of my goddamned head out and do the job right! Every single day I wake up and I think of a reason not to do it! Every single day! You know why I don't do it? This is gonna make you laugh! You know why I don't do it? The job! Doin' the job! Now that's the reason!