DONE BY: Eidos

IT'S FOR: Lots of things

YEAR: 2007

As you may have heard, Kane & Lynch is apparently so bad that Jeff Gerstmann would rather lose his job than recommend it to anyone. Allegedly. Although there currently isn’t any proof that Gerstmann’s departure from Gamespot is linked to his review of Kane & Lynch, that hasn’t stopped certain sites from taking the opportunity to tactlessly boost their indie-cred with a bit of righteous indignation. Which is fine. I mean, we’d do the same, but we already established our bold commitment to keepin’ it real in the Wankifesto. Plus, constantly talking about how much we despise corruption might dissuade game companies from sending us money, and God knows daddy needs that new laptop.

Still, we’d hate to pass up on a chance to join in the outrage and stick it to THE MAN, so that’s why we came up with this: the Jeff Gerstmann Memorial Review of Kane & Lynch. What’s the difference between our regular quite-probably-funded-by-an-evil-corporation reviews and our new and exciting Jeff Gerstmann Memorial Review? Well, for starters, the sole purpose of the Jeff Gerstmann Memorial Review is to show our solidarity with Jeff Gerstmann – or as we call him, Jiggly-G – by bad-mouthing Kane & Lynch. That’s the big difference. Also, assuming that Gerstmann doesn’t get publicly shitcanned by his next employer for doing his job properly, the Jeff Gerstmann Memorial Review will be a one-off, which means the page you’re reading right now could one day be a valuable collector’s item!

Now, in the interests of full disclosure, I should tell you at this point that I haven’t actually played Kane & Lynch, and have absolutely no intention of ever doing so. But – BUT! – since I’ve already occupied the moral high-ground by sticking up for my bro Jiggly, I think you should cut me some slack in that respect. If it helps, try to think of things in terms of a buddy-cop movie. I’m the wisecracking loose-cannon, Gerstmann is Danny Glover, and this review is the scene where I save Gerstmann by diving in front of a bullet fired by the bad guy, who in this case we’ll say is a German drug dealer named Heinrich von Gamespot. So, even though you might not approve of my long hair and renegade ways, the point is that I’m still a good cop/game reviewer when it counts. Of course, if this analogy were completely accurate, I would have dived a week late, Gerstmann would have been shot and killed, and Gamespot would be having sex with his attractive daughter in a Caribbean drug bungalow. But whatever.

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