We don’t need to make jokes about bikini armour anymore, do we? I mean, yes, it’s true: Warrior women in videogames, on top of having impossibly big tits, always wear so-called ‘armour’ that covers very little of their bodies, leaving their limbs and vital areas exposed. It’s ludicrous and blatant and insulting to the intelligence, but it’s also perfectly common, and all possible quips and criticisms were made long ago. We just roll our eyes now; we’re used to it – right?

That was my attitude, until some months ago, in Osaka’s Den Den Town, I saw this:

I... I mean... what? What?

I mean, where to begin? If this picture was just the slightest bit realistic, I could point out the absurdities that make it, as a whole, funny or ridiculous. But this... this is entirely removed from anything that makes sense. It is so totally stupid and insane that pointing out any specific stupid thing about it just wouldn’t mean anything. Yes, yes, her entire torso is protected by a garden trowel – but surely the question is, what’s holding it in place? Her erect nipples?

Or is it protecting her nipples? But surely it ceases to do even that, the moment she moves her body in any way whatsoever? And the leather straps – what the fuck are they for? What the fuck are they for? Getting caught on things? Tripping her up? Choking her?

At least her vagina is well-protected from slight breezes.

UPDATE: In response to feedback, and contrary to good sense, I have written a follow-up to this post, here. Please read it before emailing me.