Introduction and Overview

 Hello and welcome to our exclusive preview of the upcoming Alarmist’s Guide to Grand Theft Auto IV. With the following excerpts, we aim to do two things: 1) provide a brief summary of the GTAIV experience for those unfamiliar with the game, and 2) demonstrate the unique strengths of the Alarmist approach to gameguides. So even though you won’t know how to play GTAIV after reading this, you will know what to expect, both from the game and the Alarmist guide.

So let's go!

Controls (On Foot)

Left Trigger: Murder
Left Bumper: Rape/Sodomise
Right Trigger: Blaspheme
Left Bumper: Denounce the government/karate chop

Left Stick: Solicit homosexual intercourse
Right Stick: Camera
Left Stick (Button): Romp
Right Stick (Button):  Sex Romp

Y Button: Penetrate
B Button: Penetrate harder
A Button: HARDER!
X Button: Smoke cigarette

D-Pad: Guide penis in cock-slapping mini-game
Back Button: Cycle camera mode
Start Button: Pause Menu

General Tips

Remember that pissing in the holy water basin at St Jesuswasafuck’s Cathedral will replenish 50% of your health bar.

Before swearing at the elderly, always remember to use a megaphone, otherwise they won’t hear you.

Sometimes, the best way to get rid of a whole box of puppies at once is a wood-chipper.

Same goes for nuns.

Don’t worry about condoms when using prostitutes – that’ll only make it harder to spread AIDS later in the game.

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