Videogames: Who gives a FRIG, right?

I am a games writer of sorts; at least, I’m employed to be one. And the fact is, I think the videogame – in some recognisable permutation – will probably prove the most popular and therefore significant form of art of the coming century, as film and television were for the last. The other fact is that I hate most videogames, don’t much care about them generally, and I’m not often motivated to write about them. (I guess that’s three facts.)

You can see the problem. But it’s partly your fault, internet! You are full of stupid articles with stupid ideas in them, repeated and repeated and repeated, so that only one paragraph into this perfectly reasonable one, people are already getting ready to respond to it on forums or whatever with a lot of nonsense like, “Ah, but are videogames art?” or, “Patrick Alexander says that videogames are a similar art form to film.” They can’t help it! It’s a reflex – and you trained it into them, internet. Use a certain keyword like ‘art’, and a stupid idea will immediately sit its fat arse on their brains and suffocate them. “What does he mean by art?” they will ask one another, not really knowing what they mean, and not caring much either – like children playing doctor, with their toy stethoscopes out; furrowing their brows and going, “Hmm. Hmmm.”

“What does he mean by significant?”

How about you figure it out from the context, you exasperating cretins.

And then, see, then! – I have to write a nasty, bloated paragraph pre-emptively defending myself, and then, I insult my readers! Sorry, readers. There are cretins out there, but why should I assume you’re them. Hardly a compliment to myself, is it? Why would a cretin be reading any paragraph of mine. I suppose it could get posted on Kotaku, and then about a hundred thousand cretins would not only read it, but type seething responses to it, without bothering to follow the link to Eegra and reading the whole article. And then they would think to themselves, “I guess I showed him,” without bothering to forward their responses to me personally. “FAIL,” they would say of this article, having learned somewhere that that word by itself constitutes an argument.

God, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?

What have we learned? We have learned that one reason I am often not motivated to write about videogames is that I despise every one of you. No, wait – that’s not right. Maybe we have learned that I prefer bitching about imaginary idiots to writing something insightful and worthwhile about videogames, because the former is easier than the latter. Well... well, that’s something.

* * *

Another problem I have is that – as I mentioned – I don’t much care about videogames. I mean, I love videogames, but I don’t care about them the way the majority of people who purport to care about them care about them. I’m going to go to Kotaku right now and type my reactions as I scroll down the page:

Don’t give a fuck.

Huh, typical.

Don’t give a fuck.

Don’t give a fuck; don’t give a fuck; don’t give a fuck.

Jesus christ, who gives a shit?

Hilarious.

Looks boring.

(Oh – that was an ad.)

Jack Thompson again; are you fucking serious.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

I’m about halfway down now, and I’m gonna stop because I expect this is as boring for you as it is for me. And anyway, I have thought of a good way to explain how I feel about videogames. My explanation is in the form of two facts.

FACT 1: In the past two or three months, I have played one videogame. I’ve tried a few others, but I’ve only played one. The game happens to be Spelunky.

FACT 2: I fucking love Spelunky.

BONUS FACT: I am going to play it right now.

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