Well, the holiday season is upon us again, and gamers know what that means: time to score some epic loot!

Ah, but what loot? That's the question. After all, any n00b can ask for a stick of RAM or a new Final Fantasy figurine, but for a hardcore gamer – that is, for a gamer like you or me or Tim Buckley – that shit simply won't cut the mustard, let alone stir the gravy and bring home the bacon. That's why I have crafted this: an ultimate list of XXX HARDCORE GAMER GIFTS, each specially selected for their capacity to induce giant boners ... in your pants!

Are you ready? Are you ready for me to jam the cock of consumerism into your inviting earhole and splort a sticky gob of greed all over your brain? Because that's what I'm about to do! Just watch!

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