I don’t want to go into exhaustive detail about everything that Mass Effect does well because a) you’ve probably seen it elsewhere, and b) it’s boring. That said, I would like to single out a few things for praise - particularly the voice acting. It's a shame that developers often skimp on hiring decent voice actors, because a talented cast can do a lot for a game's overall impact. In truth, I don’t think I would enjoy Mass Effect nearly as much as I do if it weren’t for the fact that Jennifer Hale has nailed every single one of her lines as the female Commander Shepard. Ordinarily, I hate talky protagonists because their voice actors (such as the guy who played Tidus in FFX) tend to make them sound like obnoxious twats. But thanks to Hale’s delivery, I’ve ended up liking my character more than anyone else in the game. I think that’s the first time that’s ever happened to me in an RPG.

Another neat thing is the soundtrack. Driven by Vangelis-style analogue synths with orchestral trappings, it joins the rest of the game in being a perfect tribute to classic sci-fi. I’d link to the OST page on Amazon, but given that this review has so far been the critical equivalent of an enthusiastic handjob, I suspect some of you would consider that evidence of impropriety. As someone who has been writing reviews for more than half a decade, I am loath to let my fondness for Mass Effect undermine the JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY for which we game critics are renowned.       

Ha ha ha. I’m just kidding. Here you go.

(Incidentally, even though Microsoft didn’t pay me to write this review, that doesn’t mean I’m averse to a little bribery. So if anyone from Mdollarsign is reading this and wants to send me a few grand for services rendered, then go right ahead. We can even arrange for me to say nice things about your other games. I heard that new Viva Piñata is pretty shit – send me a new laptop and I’ll give it whatever score you want. How does 100,000/100,000 sound? That’s at least 99,900 more than you’ll get anywhere else. Hell, I’ll even throw in an A+, five gold stars, and a smiley-face. Drop me a line and we’ll talk.) 

So, in conclusion: Mass Effect is the BEST GAME EVER and the only reason I’d ever stop playing it is to write nice things about it or to jam it into my rectum for safekeeping from my covetous enemies.

FINAL SCORE: JENNIFER HALE/10