One of the great things about the internet – and let's be honest, there are manygreatthings aboutthe internet – is that it is gradually shifting the burden of objectivity from media producers to media consumers.
Take game reviews as an illustrative example. Before the internet came about, the games press – then consisting almost entirely of monthly magazines – was obsessed with objectivity. Reviews in rags like CVG, NMS, and Super Play (as well as all the American ones I didn't read) would usually be accompanied by a jumble of numbers and graphs, each providing a precise qualitative assessment of some specific aspect of the game. For example:
The (correct) assumption being that data, no matter how arbitrary and meaningless, makes reviews look like SCIENCE. And if the reviews in your magazine look like SCIENCE, then the readers of your magazine will be pleased, because it means they didn't pay 5-10 bucks to read opinions. Kids (as most readers were back then) don't want opinions. They want FACTS. They want to KNOW that Super Metroid is awesome, so that when they spend their pocket money renting it this weekend, they KNOW they aren't going to end up with a piece of shit.
Thankfully, the videogame media's enthusiasm for this sort of thing has decreased significantly in the last decade or so. There are holdouts of course, but by and large the numbers and graphs and so on have all but disappeared. Why? There are a couple of reasons.
The first is demographic: the people who read game mags as kids have grown up. We've grown up. We've found jobs and have disposable incomes. As such, it's not a huge deal when we buy (or rent) a shitty game because some dumb reviewer told us to. Annoying, yes, but nowhere near the world-ending tragedy that it was when we were kids. Basically, readers now are less invested in the objectivity of reviews, and the format has changed to reflect that.
The second reason is technological. 20 years ago (fuck I'm old), magazines were the only source of videogame news and reviews we had, and even then, only when we could afford them. Now, as you all know, it's a whole different deal. Experts estimate that there are roughly 30 trillion videogame websites on the internet that are both free to read and regularly updated. We're spoiled for choice, basically, and as a result we're not compelled to assign undue weight to any single source of information. Reviews have stopped being monthly decrees and have instead become more like voices in an ongoing conversation.
So where does this leave objectivity? Exactly where I said: in the hands of the consumer. In our hands. It's not "objectivity" in the empirical or logical sense of the term. It's more like the objectivity you get in ethics and aesthetics. It's consensus objectivity – if enough people whose opinions you typically share say something is good, then there's a better-than-average chance you'll agree. And that's it.
Not good enough for you? Tough cookies, mang. We're talking about videogames, not atoms and quarks and magnets and shit. So far as matters of taste are concerned, this is about as good as it gets.
It's from one of those terrible Matrix games they made for PS2. Here is what it looks like:
Isn't that something? It's like a scene from some depressing Polish film about consumerism.
In this scene, an alcoholic priest contemplates a branded drinks machine in a concrete dungeon, barely resisting the overwhelming urge to end his own life.
So anyway, stumbling across this picture has given me an idea, and that idea is this: Let's start a gallery of dull and depressing videogame screenshots. Official screenshots are always so pretty and action-packed – I'm sick to death of it. I want screenshots that capture the dreary drudgery of videogames. I want screenshots like the above, but different. And I want lots of them. A screenshot gallery dense with despair – that's what I want. I want it to ooze melancholy like Warren Spector oozes sex appeal.
Together, we can make this dream a reality. All you have to do is send me your depressing screenshots. If enough people respond, I'll upload them into a gallery, and update it in much the same way I (used to) update the haiku reviews. However, before you send me anything, please note that whatever you send me must be under 500k. Any format is fine, but PNG is preferred. Watermarked images are okay. Also, remember to include the name of the game in your email, preferably in the subject line.
Zolpidem is the generic name for the popular and controversial sleeping pill known to most people by its US trade name, Ambien. It is very effective at what it does, but like a lot of effective medications, it can also cause a variety of fun side effects, many of which I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing personally. These include increased libido, loss of inhibition, and loss of short-term memory. In my case, the last of these is especially pronounced.
As I mentioned a few days ago, I’ve been playing Persona 3 on PSP and enjoying it a lot. One of the things I especially like about it is that it’s a good bedtime game: you get under the covers, get warm, grind Tartarus for an hour or so, get tired, fall asleep. In fact, hat has been my regular pre-sleep ritual for the past few weeks, including the days where I’ve taken zolpidem to combat my annoying inability to sleep through the night.
You might think that a sleeping pill would hinder one’s ability to play games, but not so in this instance. Unless it involves standing up or being tactful, pretty much anything you can do while sober, you can do equally well under the influence of zolpidem. (This is assuming a standard 10mg dose. I’ve only ever taken more than that once, and I fell into the closet on the way to bed.)
I can play Persona 3 just fine on zolpidem. It's remembering what I’ve done when I come back to it that's the problem. You know how sometimes you’ll be playing an RPG, and for whatever reason you leave it alone for a week or two, and then you come back and realise you have no fucking idea what you were doing? Well, this is kind of like that, except much worse.
When you forget something, the information is seldom totally lost. In most cases it can be recalled, at least partially, with the assistance of a few appropriate prompts. The same is not true of information that doesn’t exist. If the memory of an event isn’t encoded somewhere in my brain, it doesn’t matter how hard I try to recall it – there’s nothing there to recall.
So this morning I was playing P3P on the bus, and Junpei asks me: “How did you do on your end of session exams?” And I’m like: “What the fuck are you talking about? What exams?” Then I looked at my save file, and it told me that I played the game for THREE HOURS before going to sleep last night. I beat a boss, completed my exams, made some new personas, raised my Academics skill, and went on a date with that nerdy girl from the student council. And I don’t remember any of it. It’s like someone has been playing the game in my absence.
Which kind of sucks, but oh well. At least I have multiple saves. And no more zolpidem.
This is hilarious, and deserves more attention than it's likely to get in the dingy internet backwater that is POE News. Here is a quote:
If you are bald like me, you can just forget about tricking people into thinking you're not. Consider hats. Regard them. Generally speaking, hats are great for bald people, because we have a "natural weakness" to "fire damage" from the sun. But don't ever wear a hat to hide the fact you are bald. Eventually you are going to have to take it off, and then everyone will think, "Oh, he's bald. Well, I guess I will start ignoring everything he says or does. I will also stop having sex with him, if that is what I am doing right now."
For more handy fashion tips like these, please consult the half-naked teenagers in our banner ads, or at American Apparel.com!
Hello! I've done some things lately. Would you like to see?
First of all, I did this thing, which is a review of the eyeball explodingly good Super Mario Galaxy 2. For those of you too lazy or distinterested to click the link, here's the tl;dr version: it's moreMario Galaxy.
I also did this thing, which is also a review, this time of the nostril flaringly fantastic Persona 3 Portable. Playing this game has triggered a sort of existential crisis in me: it's so fucking anime, but it's also so fucking good. This naturally raises a very important question: WHAT HAVE I BECOME? Click through for the exciting answer!
Anyway, that's all the things I have to show you for now. Check back next week for more! Maybe!
ALSO: Have you mangs and mangettes seen A Serious Man? How fucking GREAT is that film?
Finn Morgan being the dude who made the very excellent, third-prize winning Shindig entry,Colourbind.
And what did Finn Morgan have to say in this email? Well! What DIDN’T he say? My, my, my, he said ALL SORTS of things. HATEFUL things. Poisonous, HURTFUL things that stung my soul to its very core. Things that I dare not repeat lest they infect you with their corrosive venom.
Oh wait, sorry – it wasn't Finn Morgan who sent a crazy hateful tirade ... it was Mel Gibson! Hee hee! What an hilarious mistake on my part!
Anyway, the real reason Finn wrote to me was because he wanted to let everyone know that he’s making a SEQUEL to his excellent, third-prize winning Shindig entry, Colourbind. Hooray!
Called Colourbind 2: Bind Harder (not really), Finn says it’s going to have all sorts of neato new features, like better graphics and ... such. Actually, why don't I just quote the email directly? Here you go:
[I've] been working on it for a while now. Probably will be finishing up around about the end of the year. There'll be a bunch of new stuff, including:
A bunch of mechanics that were in the original engine, but not in any of the levels cos I ran out of time (colour mixing/secondary colours, variable strength of gravity instead of just variable direction, and a few other things) (!)
A couple of actual new mechanics (!!)
Stacks of new levels — I'm thinking the final game should have about fifty, all up — there were lots of ideas that didn't make it the first time round. (!!!)
Cooperative multiplayer (!!!!)
Analogue input control (!!!)
A level editor (that the end user can use, even) (!!)
The ability to save replays. (...)
Sound, and also interactive music. (!!!)
Control and level design tweaks that will make the game generally less infuriating to play early on (FUCKEN A! – Patrick)
General upgrades in prettiness and a couple of other odds and ends (!)
(Note: Punctuation added to express the insane levels ofRED BULL brand FROTHING EXCITEMENT inspired by each feature. RED BULL – giving gamers the energy to own n00bz since 1987.)
So, yeah: that sounds pretty fucking awesome, Finn! Please keep us updated on its progress! And as for the rest of you, if you haven’t already played the original Colourbind (or indeed any of the Shindig entries), then go and rectify that right this second. Otherwise, treat yourself to a delicious ice-cream from the fridge.
TO THE OTHER INDIE DEVELOPER WHO EMAILED ME RECENTLY: I’m going to talk about your stuff soon too, don’t worry!
TO BRIAN CRECENTE: Have you and Ashcraft ever considered pitching a sitcom? You could be a dashing 18th Century aristocrat named Senor Haircut, and he could play your bumbling pervert butler, Arsebag. The show could be called The Hilarious Misadventures of Haircut & Arsebag. It would be a huuuuge success. Huuuuuuge.
Have you seen the screenshots of Animal Crossing 3DS? The characters are hideous; their bodies long and weird. 'Cute' is all about proportions, Nintendo: Neglect that, and suddenly your endearing animal town is filled with unsettling mutants. I do not want to live in that town. When I visit a freak show -- and I often do -- I remain on the appropriate side of the barrier. I do not visit the Island of Doctor Moreau looking for roommates.
Intro: 81
Hello! I've done some things lately. Would you like to see?
Finn Morgan being the dude who made the very excellent, third-prize winning 
